it's me

2011-06-11T14:26:00.001-07:00

http://www.godfreyjamescatanus.com/

2011-01-28T18:15:00.000-08:00

talking about sex to highschoolers on sunday.
pretty stoked. should be good times.

2011-01-11T20:06:00.000-08:00

it hasn't even been a week into this new semester....and already i feel so much more peace. no rushing to work, to school, to home, to bed, to sleep, and then awakening to do it all again. (did i mention sitting in traffic....!?) why do we compress so many things into such a small amount of time? i'm enjoying space now. no classes this semester!! though i fight at those voices in my head telling me that i'm lazy and wasting time... i am choosing to listen to the other small voices telling me to rest and listen. will i go onto a demanding doctoral program when i'm 28? maybe. will i be a super old mom? maybe. will i move to oregon? maybe. will i stay in la? maybe. will i move to chicago? maybe. will i go back to a non challenging master's program to be an MFT so i can be a mom sooner? maybe. will i be satisified with that? maybe. will i be in debt? most likely. will i learn to trust myself in the midst of this? maybe. will i be stressed about these decisions? most likely. but...will i experience God in the midst of this? will i stop and listen? will i remember that i'm not alone? will i embrace the fact there isn't one right choice amidst these? will i learn to make these decisions and movements with dan? will we continue to love and be loved? will we watch lots of jack bauer? most definitely yes.

this is what i know.

2010-12-06T22:27:00.000-08:00

quite busy have i been this past semester. it's currently finals week at vanguard...where i am currently attending. after a variety of considerations and quite a bit of processing and discernment we have decided to suspend attending vanguard for the upcoming semester. (we...b/c definitely a joint decision b/t dan and i). i am in the process of applying to various psyd programs across the country. i am not yet certain what this means. i know very few things at this point. want to know what i know?
1. i don't like living in california. dan assures me that it's southern california i don't like...but i'm struggling to remain positive about the incessant sun.
2. the vanguard program isn't what i want... the classes are too easy. i used to feel bad about saying that..but now i embrace it. it's trite. why waste my money? i could attend a psyd program for 2 years...be challenged...and walk away with a masters which will allow me to provide psychotherapy (counseling) to others.
3. i'm way to stretchd between things. working with taxing kids... kids that never do what you ask... getting spit on... hit... pooped... farted... i'm getting tired of it. love it...but it's stressful. so, i work at the school from 8-12....do direction at biola a few times a week...and then off to class... and then on the weekends doing stuff with the church and youth kids. and...being recently married which is a significant transition.
4. i need and crave space.
5. i hate driving in traffic...and i spend a bit over 2 hours in the car driving from home to work to home to school 3 days a week. boo.
6. i hate loud neighbors...and am very aware i used the word, "hate." i contemplate if our neighbor is deaf and thats why every form of electronic noise must shake our light fixtures. yes...it may be that bad.
7. did i mention i dislike like living here? and feel incredibly clausterphobic?
8. marrying someone whose family lives far from your own.... is nice and awful all at the same time.
9. i am learning to trust my gut... and listen to myself.
10. i am quite anti-social at the moment... but think it's b/c i have no space even for myself to regroup...so i hope next semester offers me some solace in this regard.
11. studying for the GRE ups your vocab....
12. i took a math class too many moons ago.

i don't even know what that list was for anymore...but i kept adding to it.
this is perhaps why you haven't heard from me for awhile. i feel i have nothing witty to say...though my heart longs for it.

oh...did i mention that i now own all the seasons of friends? 1.5 more to watch and i'll have watched every single episode of friends. i love that show. yes...it taps into things my soul enjoys.

i'm sitting in class now...which reveals how much i am caring to finish well. :) ok, i do care...but, it doesn't require much of my attention. i feel like i am still quite invested in the class...and able to create a list that may or may not make sense. who cares!?

so...that's me. expect to hear more from me in the upcoming months after i finish finals, get a break from work, take the GRE, write my application essays to grad schools, and sleep.

oh...and the schools i am applying for are here in the LA area, oregon and chicago. oregon is currently at the top of the list. partly b/c it offers space...and prettiness...what my heart is longing for.

ok...i'm off.

advent.

2010-11-28T17:40:00.000-08:00

time for advent

2010-09-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

first paragraph of this article is an awesome description of my experience at multiple churches here in southern california. made me laugh. would love to hear some other peoples thoughts on it. is this true for the midwest? b/c...it's been my experience out here. my guess is that it's more difficult for some of the bigger and more established churches to change... that's why church planting is much more popular now. you are able to create whatever atmosphere you want... and not have to deal with the more traditional peeps. though, tradition is now hip too. hmmm.... so interesting.

it's hard for me to sometimes believe the passion of people comes from a place of incredible love for the earth and people... and it's not just some form of retaliation of how they grew up. but, what is pure passion? do they vote for obama b/c they like his policies? or b/c he's not republican...? my inclination is that they began to explore the more "liberal" side b/c it went against what was stuffed down their throats... and they began to realize that issues aren't as cut and dry as they were made to believe in their more formative years. they began to see the rationale and importance of the "other side," and so swung in that direction... b/c it's slightly cool to rebel. especially in ways that are socially acceptable. it was all under the impression that, 'you're now enlightened...and your parents remain in the dark ages unable to see correctly or without the lens of conservatism." but, i just raise the question on if they are indeed really thinking for themselves now, or if they are just being reactive.

and .... perhaps the answer to that question doesn't really matter. and this is just where we find ourselves now.

i do however, embrace the idea of doing stuff for oneself. the article goes on to talk about how hipsters seem to be getting sucked into "worldly things." i would venture to offer that individuals are just being a lot more healthy with themselves. not putting undue burdens upon themselves and finding enjoyment in life. for me...i felt my experience in church was much more about guilt, and an especially big heap if one enjoyed anything outside of church (unless of course it was for the sake of evangelism). i'm not sure if that's what they were preaching EXACTLY....but that seems to be what a majority of the kids picked up on. lame. and it makes me angry. so much pressure to attend services...and so much concern if it was skipped for incredibly worldly reasons... 'serve God now, enjoy beauty later in heaven' seemed to be the message. and..i know i heard something quite similar come from the mouths of pastors i sat under. makes me cringe...and be incredibly grateful i escaped from some of that thinking.

i do wonder how this impacts the way we look at doing youth ministry and children's ministry. what does it look like to provide developmentally appropriate ways to teach children and kids about God without leaving them feeling like it's being stuffed down their throats? how can we let them discover God in their lives...w/o letting the fear overide us that they aren't going to give their lives to Christ? maybe people parent reactively too.

we are just all so reactive!

and this post...is just my reaction against past hurts i have from the church, other believers, and this state of california i currently live in.

if you are unaware...i have become to strongly dislike this state and all the culture within it. i cannot wait to move far away. silly me for marrying a native of this state....but at least he's a northern cal person. b/c they are definitely far superior to those that grew up in this socal place! i really do think california should be split into two states...yup yup.

that's my rant. now back to homework! shall i ever be out of school!? no. probably not.

a few pics.

2010-08-19T15:43:00.000-07:00

we got over 2000 photos from the wedding. here are a few. not in order...and not even the best ones. but, gives you an idea of what it's like. can't believe it's over! sigh. a sigh of relief.

2010-06-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

i miss this guy. he left saturday for his three week intensive journey inward retreat. a period of three weeks of solitude and silence. no books, music, tv, movies, people...distractions. all within your soul is poked and prodded. pray for him if it crosses your mind. that he feels...and that this opens him to a greater experience of God's love. this type of retreat is pretty significant in peoples lives. it's hard not knowing how he's doing... but its a chance for me to open to God in the midst of this and ask him what he has for me during this time. am i prone to distract myself during this time? what would it be like to sit in the missingness of dan? how do i experience God in the midst of this time? what does that reveal about where my priorities and heart are? in that truth...what does that lead me to do? hide my real desires, or open to God in a different way? oh....relationships and interaction with God can run so deep. how grateful i am that it's impossible to reach the bottom. help us open our hearts to you lord!

my soul is like iowa.

2010-06-01T20:57:00.001-07:00

word (on facebook) has it that storms are brewing in the midwest. how i miss the warm, humid air that is suddenly swept away by the brisk, cool air which along with it brings the promise of a storm. i recall a certain summer where my heart was in much pain and trauma that the rolling thunderstorms offered me much hope. i believe it struck something in my soul that reminded me that i'm small. i'm not in control. these storms were observable by everyone...but...i felt they were for me. at times you could be sitting in the cool brisk air, but the dark clouds were observable on the horizon accompanied by the lightening strikes emerging from the darkened clouds. my soul needs a thunderstorm. i'm exhausted from excessive days of sun. it doesn't match the state of my soul. the lack of seasons doesn't match my soul. i'm thankful for the seasons...to remind me that my states are normal. perhaps certain individuals do experience mostly sunny days. or perhaps their seasons of life are more timid....like the south which lacks extreme winters. my soul is like iowa. extreme cold....extreme heat...extreme storms...but the nice days are more fully enjoyed and cherished. maybe.

2010-05-01T01:04:00.001-07:00

an article worth a read.

sometimes...

2010-03-25T17:25:00.000-07:00

i can go quite a long time without posting anything. but, my heart is feeling full at the moment. i wish i could articulate things well. i wish i could wrap my mind around my heart and thoughts. i feel like my eyes are so wide open...and i want to squeeze them closed. i wish that i didn't have to be on this path towards self-awarement (is that not a word?). I wish i could be naive about life...and just enjoy. but, maybe this is on the path to being, 'more human.' perhaps i am not even making sense to you.

being engaged, well, actually being in any sort of committed relationship requires work...and pain...and effort. i am realizing how roommates...and certain friendships...are not really committed relationships. they come and go. relationships ebb and flow.

i have been so hurt by female friends in the past. i've learned to keep people at a distance. actually, i realize i've kept people at a distance my entire life. i'm a closed person for the most part. i can tap into those deep places in my soul (and learned to dig deeper recently)...but i am quite careful w/ whom i share this stuff. i've been hurt again... and i want to retract and scream, "LOOK .... see what i get for trying again to care...?" but... at the same time. maybe life isn't about not getting hurt... but... allowing ourselves to be hurt. if we put up these huge boundary walls... we will shield ourselves from hurt, but also from love. we block people out...but we are also isolated inside. how can we learn to love in relationship with God if we cannot with others? how can we learn to love if not experiencing GOd's love? which one comes first? maybe it doesn't matter which is first...but, i do realize that it's ok to love and get hurt. at least we loved. at least we opened ourselves up. when we get hurt we can either curl into a ball and become bitter by it... or acknowledge the hurt and pain and somehow attempt to open to God amidst it. what does that look like? i'm not quite sure. but...i do know the answer is always in relationship. to God or others.

anyways...those are my brief thoughts for the moment.

so...i'm sad. and my heart is heavy. and i want to kick myself for caring... and not protecting myself... but, at the same time i think what transpired had to happen.

i watched alice in wonderland today. i found it quite grand (and also went for super duper cheap). the queen was pondering if it were better to love...or to be feared. she decided it was better to be feared...b/c when she quieted herself and opened herself to love it was harder. sigh. i like this movie..a.nd found quite a few things profound in it. maybe i'll write more later...but for now i must run to a meeting.

healthcare.

2010-03-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

""This is a tax or a penalty on just living, and that's unconstitutional," he said of the mandate to purchase health coverage. "There's no provision in the Constitution of the United States giving Congress the power to do that.""
http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/03/22/health.care.lawsuit/index.html?hpt=T1

i may have to agree with this statement by Bill McCollum, the Republican attorney general of Virginia. To require insurance for any individual seems to be some sort of tax on living and existing. Does it not? Yes, the uninsured do put a strain on the current system. However, the requirement of the government to acquire insurance seems quite...radical. I get that other countries do this. I get that it's to help people out. I get that. but, i do tend to agree that the american government wasn't really set up on such grounds as to require this. we must at least admit to ourselves that the face of american government is forever shifting with this passing of the healthcare bill. at least admit that much. it's the largest reform of this kind in centuries. it will change the way americans live. it will impact our kids. it will impact you. it is scary...b/c change is scary. unknown is scary. do i think it will screw me over? probably...but i'm always a pessimist. do i understand it completely? no...not even a large smidgen. but, i do know it will impact you....and most american just like living without the influence of the government. (unless of course you are gaining some benefit...).

what is spiritual direction?

2010-02-24T22:51:00.001-08:00

what the heck am i doing? what is spiritual direction?

take on spiritual disciplines.

2010-02-24T22:45:00.000-08:00

spiritual disciplines.

the fall.

2010-02-24T14:15:00.000-08:00

.... a really good marriage is just as costly as a genuine interior life with God. it is probably almost as rare, too, and for the same reasons. This is why others ... have seen real human love as the essential road to God for most people. We learn in flesh and blood circumstances the real meaning of love; we also discover that even the deepest human love leaves us somehow incomplete unless it is rooted in God, who can ground a love which is total self-giving and survive beyond death. (pg.122)

prayer is the loving that flows from a deeper and deeper knowing (pg. 91)

i had to learn to seek the God of consolations and not the consolations of God. (pg 104)

the joy of experiencing God in prayer is not an end in itself, but is the water by which the virtues are strengthened and brought to full flowering. -pg 77

-quotes from the book: "when the well runs dry," by thomas green.

why...am i so blessed to have studied these words and thoughts? how overwhelmed my heart has been from all the books and ideas i have contemplated and taken in the past few years. may i let them sift through me and impact my heart the ways in which you desire, Lord. one cannot go unchanged though this process... soften my heart to your hands that desire to shape and form me to be and experience things more fully and humanly. may we have eyes to see the water that may be trickling in our souls which point to a promise of the abundant springs of life promised to us. may we hold to that hope those abundant springs exist and not become content with the mere trickle. teach us to be with you...and not seek you for merely consolation.

2010-02-11T01:29:00.001-08:00

“Somewhere we know that without silence words lose their meaning, that without listening speaking no longer heals, that without distance closeness cannot cure”

“Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body's superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity.”

“For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self.”

-henri nouwen

crazy.

2010-02-04T17:11:00.000-08:00

i realized something today. i realized how much i've matured in the past three years. yes, my friend kate informs me that my boobs have grown. but... i also mean matured internally. i haven't yet, 'arrived,' as one never really does. but, i have moved in significant ways towards becoming more differentiated. meaning...i don't get my identity based off others perceptions of me. i had made all these walls around me so that no one could touch me. but, that meant i really only felt myself behind closed doors. that's when i felt like no one was grabbing at me and pulling me towards their expectations of me. but, now i find myself standing up for my self. i have a better understanding of who the "person" that is my self is. i can say no. i don't have to respond uber nice to people all the time. is that the mark of a mature christian? uber niceness? i think not. my mind is spinning... but in a fascinating way. i am sad for all those people i've hurt in my past as i heaped these impossible expectations upon them. sin is quite a deep and detrimental thing. life isn't as black and white as we sometimes hope. maybe in the situation no one is right...or wrong. how can that be? i'm not sure. but, i do know that God is with each person in the midst of it. not making everyone "feel better," and "look nice,".... but in relationship with each person. in the deep with them. can we experience this? are we venturing to those places with him? what does this look like? what am i talking about?

“When we become aware that we do not have to escape our pains, but that we can mobilize them into a common search for life, those very pains are transformed from expressions of despair into signs of hope” -nouwen

for the website.

2010-01-24T22:15:00.000-08:00

hymn lyrics.

2010-01-23T16:19:00.000-08:00

how firm a foundation ye saints of the Lord.
is bid for your faith in his excellent word
what more can he say than to you he hath said;
to you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?

fear not, i am with thee; o be not dismayed,
for i am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
i'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

when through the deep waters i call thee to go,
the rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;
for i will be with thee they troubles to bless,
and sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

when through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
my grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply,
thy flame shall not hurt thee; i only design
thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine

the soul that on Jesus still leans for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to his foes;
that soul, through all hell should endeavor to shake,
i'll never, no never, no never forsake.

anew.

2009-12-02T22:30:00.000-08:00

beginning new things is hard. i don't think we realize how taxing these things can be. like...moving to a new place. or starting a new program. or starting a new job. things that are new and unfamiliar... are just draining. are they for you? i think it's draining b/c of all the internal thoughts i go through. 'am i doing this right,' 'this is different than anything i've experienced before,' 'i wish i didn't have to do this,' 'did i make the right choice?' all these thoughts can fly through ones head. i can just say that i'm ready to be done w/ new things for awhile. my mind is full. my heart is full. at times i feel my ability to think deeply and creatively about things is numb or deadened. i can't eloquently paste my words together. i don't have the space to reflect or be. this summer i had the space of time...but my internal world never settled. my internal world is still in shambles...and i am wondering if it will ever feel calm again. at times... i'm just ready for more simplicity. fewer jobs. fewer priorities. fewer things pulling for my attention. as i reflected on this deep desire for this... i realized how easily family can become the sole focus of a person's life. as they balance work, and basic living requirements such as eating, cleaning, etc., it's so understandable how difficult it is to make time to see and be with other people. it must get to be so nice to go home. go home to a place that's safe. familiar. loving. and home here is meaning space and people. it takes effort to have people over to share a meal. to find time to clean and cook on top of all the regular tasks. right now at the end of the day...i just want to come home and crash. how easy it must be to get into the routine of coming home and crashing. but, you could go to the other extreme and push yourself so completely far that you forget what it's like to even have space. or push yourself so hard and for so long that you dont' even realize your internal world is screaming and churning. you just dig down deep into your gut and push through. what does it look like to live in love...and to overflow with God's love for others? i think there is a great balance to be had here. i think at one point in my life i was the 'dig down deep and just do it' type. especially when overseas and forced to interact w/ others all the time b/c it's what was expected to do. recently i've begun to realize how important it can be to take care of myself and that staying in one evening alone is just as pleasing to God as going out and evangelizing. i can do either of these things alone.... or with him. so...what does it look like to go to disneyland with God? or to watch an episode or two of "Friends" with God? at this point... do i need to dig down deep and interact w/ others? or is he calling me to just rest as i get used to this new routine of life? what are these voices inside of me telling me? which one is God's and which ones are from my past and simply guilt/shame talking? why is it so difficult? how come i have to think so much? i think we can begin to realize that God isn't as predictable as we would like to think. so...maybe we could be a little less certain we are speaking the truth...and a bit more open and humble to our ability to know the truth. i don't even know what i'm saying now.... i'm just blabbering. i do know that many people have been hurt and are still driven by the "shoulds" people have preached at them. "you should convert x number of people a week," "you should talk to x number of strangers on the bus as the Lord leads," "you should invite people to church," "you should have people over for dinner," "you should send that person a note." These aren't bad things...but, what is the Lord calling you to at this moment? maybe it's to curl up with a book by the fire and read. ...maybe it's to move to ukraine and have your apartment renovated. i don't know. but... i do know the Lord is with you wherever you go. we are all on a journey attempting to learn what it means to be with God.

another.

2009-11-24T23:59:00.000-08:00

i acquired another job.
and i got into another grad school program.

for those of you unawares...i applied to a program out here in southern california to pursue my masters in marriage and family therapy. i recently interviewed and found out today that i was accepted to begin this spring! it's quite exciting...and i'm happy to head back to school and delay paying school loans a bit longer. i'm studyding at a christian university...mostly to help me continue to assimilate what i've learned at my past program into this new one. despite it being a christian university...i'm pretty sure you get a good clinical experience and education. don't you sometimes feel like christian institutions require a bit less out of you? i guess i do. they're too nice... and lenient in the name of being like Jesus. these are just my pathetic thoughts. however, i feel like this is a good program and has a fairly good reputation. i'm a bit sad not to be pursuing my phd in this field.... as this was what i was headed for for awhile. however, as my life began to take a bit more shape in regards to future family stuff...i realized that i'd rather be done with school in 2 more years rather than 7 more. an MFT is a good option for me right now.

did i post about my new job? well...i officially started a new job doing in home therapy for kids w/ autism. it's fun...and challenging. you work on target behaviors and collect data and help parents learn some good teaching methods for their kiddos. this work fits my personality well...as i like the one on one. i am actually enjoying working with kids. it's fun to see slight growth in their ability to follow simple directions, etc. the best part of the job is that it's challenging. i have to engage my brain and also work with my hands. it's a great balance...and a lot of fun. it'sdefinitely not the same thing every day. i currently still have my other job in the school district...attempting to figure out how grad school, and two jobs will all work together. but..i do know that i have dec. 21-jan 4th completely OFF! no school...no work. niiiiiiiiiiice. and dan is coming back to iowa for xmas. should be pretty great.

this semester (and really since i've graduated) has been a bit rough. it's hard not having a job...and it's really hard starting new jobs. it's hard to not know what you're doing...and have to ask the same question multiple times. but...it's good character building too. i feel like i'm finally growing up. and it feels pretty great to have a paycheck coming in steadily. sigh.

so much. so much. but that's all for now.

music suggestions.

2009-11-07T09:31:00.001-08:00

i highly recommend this site to listen to music....also check out the "where the wild things are soundtrack."

http://www.imeem.com/karenoandthekids/playlist/MW0cdjqf/where-the-wild-things-are-soundtrack-music-playlist/

i think you'll like it. has anyone else seen the movie? i found it quite profound and deep. it touched deep places in my soul.... from the music intertwining with the beautiful imagery. it's not really for kids...but, more for adults realizing that those wild things have been with them since their childhood. perhaps it's just age that has schooled them in how to tame them a bit.

away.

2009-11-05T17:31:00.000-08:00

much has occured since my last little blog. my family came to visit.... i continued working and getting familiar with my job at the school district... i visited a potential grad school to start up in the spring... and i got a new job... and began looking for a new place to live. i don't like change...but i seem to gravitate towards it. i just rearranged my room for the fourth time since august. seriously. i discovered the way i like it. i now have a little space blocked off in the corner with a blanket upon the floor. it's this area i can sit and be hidden away. i'm craving space so much right now. hence...my looking for a new place to live.

i also went on a retreat last weekend. thursday to saturday up at a monestary overlooking the ocean. it's pretty sweet staying at these places with monks walking around being all holy and stuff. they ring bells to mark the daily offices and you can go and partcipate in the liturgy if you'd like. i really needed to get some time away from things. my living arrangement had become a place that sucked me dry and whenever i walked into my house my throat clenched and heart tightened. i needed to get away so my soul could breathe and i could have some space to think and reflect and just be. i ended up spending quite a bit of time with the question and thought of marriage. am i called to marriage? what do i think of marriage? honestly...i have quite a negative view of marriage. in many ways...i feel like women loose their identity when they get married. they loose their intentionality in life and they loose their focus and purpose. they become these little droids that do housework and look pretty and buy nice things and clean and take care of the kids snotty noses and the laundry. that's not me. i'm not into those things... and i don't want that to be my life. i odn't just want to walk into marriage b/c it's the next step. why does one walk into marriage? what does that mean? what does that look like? that's what i sat with on retreat. it was good for me to have space to reflect and ask myself if this is what i really want...and if this is what God has for me. is he calling me into it? what does that look like? my spiritual director mentioned that sometimes this "peace" that people talk about is simply a feeling that people get to make themselves feel better about a decision they themselves desire. he asked me if i thought jesus had a peace in the garden when he was crying those bloody tears. maybe sometimes we are just given the information and he calls us to decide what we want given our God given intellect. my director also asked me if i had ever had these feelings of peace in other decisons. i haven't. so... he asks me. why do i expect anything different in regards to the decision about marriage? i need to take into account my different personality...and maybe i won't be twirling in fields of flowers in a sunskirt with a heart full of happieness... but i'll enter into this a bit more slowly.

ahhhh! i have to go. i'll write more later.

employment bliss.... perhaps.

2009-10-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

since my last post... i have become employed. i jumped through all the silly hoops needed to work at a nearby school district. i am working in a severely handicapped classroom of 4th-6th graders. supposedly it's an autism focused classroom. it was a relief to secure a job. it's a bit disappointing because the hours at this place are incredibly minimal..but, it's better than nothing. eventually i will probably start subbing in the afternoons to supplement my income. i've been working two weeks... just in the mornings. most of the afternoons i come home and enjoy a long lunch and then perhaps take a nap. i've grown fairly addicted to sleeping the past few weeks. i thought i was fighting something off...b/c for awhile i couldn't seem to stay awake. but...alas...i think i just am enjoying being unconscious. i talked w/ dan about this a few nights ago. starting a job was a bit stressful....and especially being in a chaotic classroom without many rules to follow. i was looking for an administrative job...b/c at least with that job there are specific things you need to do. you make a list and you do them. you answer the phone when it rings. kids...are a completely different story. different kid. different personality. different issues. different triggers. different "tricks" to get them to do what you want them to do. sigh. it was overwhelming and for awhile i was pretty glad i worked only a few hours a day. i'm not sure i could have handled anymore. sometimes i've gotten frustrated with my personality... why can i get out there and conquer the world? and then...dan reminds me that i am out there. and i've applied to as many places as possible. i am applying for grad school next semester (just finished the application last week). perhaps i am hard on myself....but, i'm not quite sure yet. i tend to live in this "other" reality. like...'well, other people have two kids and they aren't upset like me.' . ... or 'other people live overseas and are single and aren't as upset as me.' or... 'other people are single and i am dating someone and still feel lonely.' sigh. this has been my life as of late. i'm a bit down still. not quite sure why. i remember and recall each of my friends (especially those that read this blog) and ... my heart goes out to you. i think i miss you...and could use a good squeeze and tea from deb and a long chat w/ lindsay and a game night with rachel. ... and maybe just a nice cup of coffee next to a nice warm fire. what keeps me from picking up the phone and calling at these times i most need to talk? i'm not sure. perhaps it's because i know you each have your own stuff...and my "stuff" seems trivial and silly in the scheme of things. anyways... i am missing my scattered friends this evening. and am thankful for each of you in my life. even when i don't converse with you near as much as i would like.

still...

2009-09-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

well. i am still unemployed. i've had multiple interviews in various organizations. i've applied to places in my field...and now moving to other opportunities such as coffee shops, nannying, etc. i just found out starbucks is on a hiring freeze in my area...which is quite a bummer b/c that was always a slight fall back plan. i've also interviewed at various school districts working with special ed kids...but again all have fallen through. i'm not sure why...as i feel all the interviews have gone fairly well. i believe i am selling myself well.....but with a good dose of humility and honesty.

i am taking two classes online this semester...and studying for the GRE. I am also looking to see if i can start a program next spring at a local school. this would be a two year program with me receiving a masters of science in marriage and family therapy. i had been looking at a school that i woudl receive a phd in psychology...but, am thinking that perhaps the two year program would be a good option as i look to starting a family sometime in the nearer future. (nearer...meaning closer than ever before). feels like big decisions. life movements. and...i think it sometimes feels overwhelming and i just want to be told what to do.

that's mostly me. i am wishing miss deb a happy birthday today... my constant supporter of my blog. i have a video i attempted to post for her...but, i am a failure at that. i shall try again soon. i love you deb! happy day of birth!

2009-08-31T12:51:00.000-07:00

i haven't posted for awhile. does it seem i often begin my posts with that statement? it seems so. i just have lost heart in posting. my heart seems so full, yet empty, all at the same time. it causes me confusion in how to post. shall i report on the fun things i am doing? or perhaps the sadness that often accompanies my heart each passing day? life is a definite mixture of both right now....and i'm unsure of what is winning at any given moment.

i shall post a few pictures of the fun things i was truly blessed to be able to do.

this is a picture from the getty. it's a museum that is open to the public (free). it was in malibu, off the coast. a quaint place with some peaceful gardens and walkways.

dan and i at the angels game. five dollar tickets! it was quite fun. though, i got annoyed that everyone obeyed the stupid signs that told them to clap and get louder. lets think for ourselves people!
a picture of the angels game. we also went to a dodgers game. we decided we like going to the game in anaheim better. we may be becoming orange county snobs. the stadium was nicer and easier to get to. we're totally not diehard fans....so if we got to choose to be fans of a local team....it would be the angels.

dan and his friend steven. he's studying to become a priest. he's a pretty funny guy. he may have had too much sugar and so was a bit on the loopy side at times. but, i really enjoy him. he's a good friend to dan.

my good friend, eunice, got married! eunice was one of my first (of four) roommates in california. faith (one of the other roommates) is on the far right in this picture. she's been dating the guy since i met her....and i was so happy to see them make the joining together official.

dan and i went to the beach quite a bit. i went surfing once (complete w/ an awesome wetsuit). it was amazing to watch the sunset while i was in the water. i really really loved all aspects of surfing. dan is a great help as i am sometimes still frightend of the powerful waves. other times we just laid out on the beach for a few hours and jumped in the water every now and then to cool down. i began to see why people like southern california.

we went to san luis obispo where dan went to school (at cal poly). we stayed at his professors house and went for a hike, walked to the beach and ate some good food. it's a great place to get away from the busyness of the city. this is a professional soccer game at the rose bowl in pasadena. pretty sweet.... it was loud, full and fast paced. dan and his father thought it was boring....but, i found it quite interesting. i am beginning to like soccer much more than other sports. it's way more fun to watch. i went with dan, his dad, uncle and cousin.

i look excited....but only because i was finally finished with my two full days at the dmv. it's the slowest and most stupid process ever! and then i get my license in the mail and i am now born two months later than what my mother remembers. i am thinking it's perhaps easier to go with that then attempt to get it changed to the correct day. maybe i can have two birthdays from now on....hmmm.... would that mean i would age faster?

The thing which has been the most difficult include the inability to secure any type of employment. this evokes much anxiety within me and pokes at much self-doubt and insecurities within me. i miss the security of being near family and being taken care of. the world seems much scarier when there isn't something set forth before me to accomplish. i have so many choices of direction it's overwhelming. if you haven't spoken with me in awhile you may not be aware that i hope to continue on in the field of psychology in the upcoming years. this will be either a 2 year degree or another 4-5 year. throw in questions of marriage and beginning a family and things begin to heat up a bit. is more school a good thing? is it what i am called to now? which program shall i apply? why can i not get a job? should i move back to iowa to get a job?

anyways....these are a few of my thoughts....a few pictures that you perhaps have seen before. i just felt like writing a bit and journaling some of my thoughts. i am now off for another interview at a university. i hope this one works out. it's in my field of study...and would be great experience. thanks for reading! more later.

book suggestion

2009-08-12T01:23:00.000-07:00

i just finished reading, Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen.
recommended.
it's a winner.
it calls for some thinking.

2009-08-12T01:17:00.000-07:00

an invitation to trust.
can i trust that God wants the best for me?
how can i discern those different voices in my head?
just b/c something seems good...does it mean i should do it?
i feel i am being thrust into adulthood and i just really want to remain a child and told what to do. i don't want to have choices. it makes life more difficult. if you're told what to do...then you have room to complain about it. you can blame it on someone else. if you make the choice yourself...then you're stuck. and that sucks. (see how pessmistic i am? i can't see the good in it).
when it all comes down to it...i don't trust God. i don't trust that he is with me. i feel this neurotic need to figure him out... to be a few steps ahead of him. it's as if i think i can outthink him.

these thoughts are unfinished. but... i feel like i had a deep revelation today and thought i needed to make an attempt at sharing. my life feels like it's in turmoil at the moment. but...at the same time i feel this compelling invitation to trust. even though all the voices around me seem to be telling me to try harder and to start freaking out. anyways....as i approach the big O in the bank account...i can trust that God will provide. :)

dislike.

2009-07-30T23:22:00.001-07:00

i realized...i dislike people that aren't honest.

it's my stuff....but, it pisses me off when people aren't honest w/ me about things.

but, i've been in a bad mood the past few weeks...so, it may just be one of those moments.

way to get those hopes up.

2009-07-17T01:38:00.000-07:00

i've never been one to get my hopes up too easily. you know why? b/c then you got a lot longer to fall. if you don't ever hope...then you won't really be too disappointed will you? if you think nothing good will happen...really you will just be more surprised in life when the good things happen.

i failed...b/c i had hope. i hoped to get this job that felt really pretty right for me. in my infinite wisdom...it seemed the best fit for me and this stage in my life. this transition period between school...and not really sure what else. but....alas. i was rejected. i failed. denied. this whole job process for this specific job has been going on since may (at least). i took a test. waited. got an interview. waited. took a personality test. waited. had another interview. waited. all the time thinking i'd be gotten back to soon. i inquire to hear about where things are at and the position has been offered to someone else. other things go into this.....of people inferring i had a really super great shot at the job (multiple people) in places of authority. and yet...i'm still rejected. it's not a great feeling to have just graduated with a masters, declared residency in a state many miles from all that once seemed familiar and secure, and....now landing in a place where i am not sure where to head next. where does one even look for a job? how do you go about this? i honestly can see how people end up homeless. do you think i'm being overly dramatic? perhaps. i am. but...i still have this security of knowing that if my checking account does indeed run dry...they will spot me the money until i can pull myself out of it. what if i didn't have that? what would i do? i guess that's why they have those unemployment checks and stuff....but, if you've never really been employed do you still qualify? hmmm....i wonder if i should start checking that out? what do i do with this time on my hands? i wish someone would just tell me what to do....and then i would do it. i'm a hard worker....i'll work for minimum amounts of money. i don't value my skills enough in that way.

basically...i'm sad/mad/angry/frustrated/annoyed/full of anxiety/confused/tired/bored.

that's me for right now.

then you got the whole gammet of people saying, 'don't worry...God will provide." yes....i know. but...i think it's still ok to be slightly disappointed. talking myself out of emotions doesn't really help. maybe i need to actually allow myself to feel things. maybe that's where freedom can be found. but...what does that even look like? what am i even talking about? maybe i should just go back to school now. sigh. ok...bye.

waiting. stirring.

2009-07-14T23:52:00.000-07:00

i have entered this period of waiting. i feel like i'm being ushered into this new and difficult realm of life. maybe it's just growing up. maybe i'm just allowing and believing that i might indeed be living through something emotionally difficult. maybe it doesn't have to be so extravagent as battling my way through some cultural barriers and language differences... or popping out kids... or dealing with major loss or serious illness. i belittle my circumstances alot...but, sometimes i still feel a bit overwhelmed and bogged down. facing the idea of leaving my family. not making it back for major holidays. not living near abbie or j-man as they grow older... maybe facing them not recognizing me when i go back. i just graduated...and don't have a job or many job prospects. i don't even have anything i really want to do (except return to school). does this mean i am hiding from the real world...or really being led back to school? am i called to psychology? or am i fooling myself? is this relationship w/ dan good? i am just wanting comfort or a companion? i want to make it on my own. i know i can. i've done it for 26 years. but...how often do we do these things on our own. are we called to do things on our own? or with another? i don't know how to do things WITH another...b/c i've never really done that in life. now that i'm in a relationship...i'm beginning to see what it means to "be with." through offering spiritual direction to others i also am given a glimpse into what it means to "be with" another as they journey in life. how can i translate this to what it means to "be with" Jesus throughout the day? how can i open up to him in these deep ways? isn't this what we are called to do? instead of trying so hard to do things on my own to prove my independence...what would it look like to find strength in dependence? it's an altering of my whole mindset. can i change myself in my own power? or...am i in need of another?

2009-06-06T00:52:00.000-07:00

2009-05-18T14:16:00.000-07:00

ring ceremony.

2009-05-18T13:46:00.000-07:00

eunice speaking to me.

everyone that graduates from the isf program receives a ring. this year there were 18 graduates...the largest graduating class for this program. during this ceremony, every graduate is given space in which others offer words back to them....then one of the profs pray for the person. it was an incredibly special time. it lasted nearly 8 hours.... it was a unique time of reflecting on how God has moved through the process of the program. the words given to me were incredibly encouraging and empowering to me. my heart was moved to worship God because of the great work he had done in my heart.

yosemite.

2009-05-15T00:04:00.000-07:00

we stood at the top of this fall.... we hiked all the way around to get to the top b/c the trail right alongside it was closed because of ice on the trial. however...we didn't want to go back the long way around so we trekked down the slippery rocks. we're proud to say we talked others into doing it too. so we would live together or die alone...or something. (my attempt to insert a lost quote).

yes....that's snow.

it was cold. especially for wussy californians.

my friend kate.
i also went to yosemite over my spring break.

it was stellar. went with my good friend, kate.

she's great. a really true and good friend.

the pics don't do justice to the beauty we took in.

we laughed much.

it was pretty great to get away for a bit. we really enjoyed the time.

i haven't gone on a vacation like that in a long time. going somewhere w/o a specific purpose. i went because i wanted to. i spent money on myself... and couldn't justify it as for the sake of another. it was for me. and...i felt ok with that.

maybe i have learned something about caring for the soul in my program.

did i mention i graduate in a week? yup. it's true.

**i would post more pics. but...i am tired. i have a busy day tomorrow once again. more later!

flowers.

2009-05-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

dan buys me gifts.

it's nice.

i don't like to receive. but, i am learning.

i've said from the beginning that flowers seem silly.

they look nice for a bit...and then they die.

i'm hardly home to see them anyway.

however.

i changed my mind.

flowers are nice.

especially when he surprises me with a fruffy starbucks drink (which i never buy for myself) and a bouquet of flowers.

he's a really great guy....really good to me.

transitions are upon me. and...those always throw me for a spin.

but, he's holding on so far.

easter_09

2009-05-14T23:55:00.000-07:00

pics from easter.

just a bunch of us eating brunch in the mid-afternoon.

hitting each other w/ soft nerf sticks.

and dying and hiding easter eggs.

2009-05-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

"to live in truth, we must be true to who we are. But this is not possible unless we know who we are: how God has made us, how we are unique, how God has enabled us to serve him in the church and in the world."

"many of us hesitate to hear this call to self-knowledge; something blocks us. We have been taught all our lives to ignore ourselves-to focus on others and to live for others and to give generously. But we cannot serve with grace and we cannot make a difference for God in the lives of others if we violate who we are."

these are quotes taken from a book a read in one of my classes on Vocation and Calling. The book is titled, " courage and calling," written by Gordon T. Smith. He develops his argument out of Romans 12:3-5....emphasizing that while Paul calls the reader to love and serve others, he begins by urging his readers to examine their own life. "He calls for self-appraisal before he calls for genuine love; self-appraisal makes geniune love for others possible."

i think that these thoughts slightly summarize my time here at isf. it's been a time of great, deep, and painful self-awareness. the requirements within this degree of therapy, the soul and prayer projects, the three week retreat, the four 48 hour solitude retreats, the self-reflection papers, the supervision times have all been places to grow in understanding myself better. i realize how much of my person i left at the door of relationship with people. i operated under the idea that the Christian thing to do was to bend over backwards to please others and discover what they wanted. this left my person being missed....and any desire of mine to be seen heaped guilt upon my lap for being selfish.

but, what if in the process of knowing ourselves we are actually able to understand God in a deeper way? these are my incomplete thoughts on the matter. i graduate in two weeks. yes....two freakin' weeks!

san luis opisbo.

2009-04-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

I recently went with dan to the place he went to school, san luis opisbo. he went to cal poly....and studied english and philosophy. i seriously cannot believe he grew up in this area. he could go down to the peir at night and walk out to the end beneath a vast array of stars. he could listen to the waves hitting the wooden stilts of the pier... and stare at the night sky for hours on end...and feel the cool breeze hitting his face. amazing. seriously.... an amazingly beautiful place. i cannot tell you how great it was for me to get out of the city. it's clausterphobic to me. to see a bit of open space was wonderful for my soul. we traveled on some windy roads w/ incredible views of the ocean. i really enjoyed the time away... it was good for our relationship too. we were able to get away from some of the stresses and montony of schoolwork...and just enjoy some time together alone. we showe me his old stomping grounds and i met a few of his close friends. sigh. it was pretty great. i am excited for him to meet some of you guys that follow my blog. you know who you are. soon my friends....soon. for now...i hope you can enjoy a few of the pictures i took. i just got a new digital camera for xmas...so, i hope you enjoy the few photos i picked to share.

we went hiking one morning. a short little hike that overlooked the town. i think it looked like ireland w/ all the green rolling hills.

2009-04-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

2009-04-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

riding in the back of the pickup truck reminded me of trips in thailand. although...i had slightly more room to stretch out my feet. though....jen wasnt' there to give me a foot massage.

here is the perfect coffee shop. out the window is a view of the ocean.... i couldn't get the sun not to glare ... but trust me ... it was a sweet view. note that the book i was reading, 'paradiso' by Dante. not recommended. just read the cliffnotes. you'll understand it better.

birthday.

2009-03-15T23:51:00.000-07:00

it happened. i got old. it's the first birthday i haven't wanted to celebrate...and i actually dreaded instead of look forward to. see...25 is fine. but...get to 26 and that sounds old. seriously. 26? that's nearly 30. and...we all know that life is basically over at the age of 30. ok...perhaps slightly over dramatic. but is anyone with me in thinking that 26 sounds much older than 25? see...at 25 you can still get away w/ being "young." you hit 26...and you should really have made something of your life. whatever that means. all i know is that i probably haven't given the fact i am still in school and single. hence...my dread for the arrival of march.

but...today wasn't so bad. i slapped a smile on my face and decided to make the best of it. i skipped church in the am... and did a bit of reading and laundry. my roommate came home from church and gave me a sweet present. SHOES! they were perfect. i've been looking for some casual black shoes...and she found a perfect pair. they are black and white...and have fur on the inside. they are kinda like slippers...but...not. casual...but nice. they were honestly exactly what i wanted. then she pinned my hair up in like five minutes. it looked like i was going to prom. i just always wear my hair down...and so to have it up felt so odd.

then dan came and picked me up to take me to disneyland! (w/ everyone else and their mom...b/c the place was packed!) if you didn't know...this year at disney you can get in FREE on your birthday. b/c i have a season pass you can just get money...so i did. pretty sweet deal. FREE MONEY! i knew dan had made plans for dinner afterwards...but i didn't know that some of my friends were going to meet me there. i felt pretty special. lots of balloons tied to my chair...and some really good friends. not just people i knew...but, people i really cared about. i attached pictures below.

i also had many wall posts on facebook. yes...it's lame. but for some reason i felt really cared for by those comments. people thought of me! alot of people too. from all spectrums of life. old friends, new friends, people i knew last year, people that knew me from my birth, people that know me well, people that think they know me well, people that say silly things, people that say meaningful things,....just such a wide range. (dannah, julie, emily kallberg, sister, bro-in-law,
potter, melody, janet, rasley, mom, howard meadows, andrea herman, darin, kendra, pourio, faith, alex yoo, heather, jenna, sister, cousin, emilka, lauren, chris, kathly (2nd mom), dustin, kris, lindsay, inna, melody, scott, emily kac, sara haimes, tim, rachel, jackson, jeremey, joel, wes, cousin, jessica issen, alyssa, debi, matt, carly, kate, tina, anne, bender, brian, matt, david, aunt, nicole, erlinda, plunket, grace, leila, jenny)....most of the people that posted on facebook. as i wrote the names out i realized how many are from ISF (the program at school). if you are in this program you get pretty close. i am appreciative of them. most of these individuals i have had signifnact conversations with. this morning i prayed that God would surprise me. i also asked if he wanted to celebrate w/ me today... and if so how. i am taken back by all the friendships and relationships that are in my life. somedays i feel so low... but, days like this remind me i am not alone. even though i feel it intensely.

i may have more indepth thoughts at a later date...but...honestly...i am tired. so i am going to sleep. i am going to post a few more pictures from my everday life to give you a glimpse into my life...b/c i know that the people that look at this blog don't know what this looks like. i want to share that with you. i miss you guys! ok...i'm off...much love to you.

birthday.

2009-03-15T23:40:00.000-07:00

me and dan before entering disneyland! i got 69 bucks from disney to spend in the park b/c it was my day of birth! pretty fantastic. i didn't spend anything yet. i want to buy a lollipop.

me sporting my new sweater from dan...and new shoes from my roommate julie. i decided i felt like a californian today.

balloons were waiting for me at dinner! balloons and friends.

kate, me and julie.

birthday

2009-03-15T23:34:00.000-07:00

dan arranged for my close friends to meet me at the restaurant. pretty sweet. i honestly had no idea.
julie, me, eunice, min, melody, pourio, kate, faith, joel, tim, kevin. (dan's taking the picture).

tim and kevin. yah...i'm not sure either.

melody, her brother Pourio, and faith.
Melody is my current rommate...while faith is my former roommate.

eunice and min. the happily engaged couple. i shall be a happy bridesmaid in their wedding on july 18th. whoohoo!

birthday

2009-03-15T23:15:00.000-07:00

joel....eating an ice cream cookie sandwich. it was painful.

me and kate enjoying the new gift of nerf wacker doodle things. aggression will now emerge from our depths as we wack each other incessantly w/ a soft stick.

ninjas. hi-yaa.

long time.

2009-02-16T23:15:00.000-08:00

i haven't posted in a long while. i am getting that itch again to post. so...here is the post. i put up a few pictures of my two favorite people: jonah and abbie. i also posted a few pics of my new friend, dan. dan is experiencing his first year in the isf program....what a grand demolition of a year. sigh. so much stirs within my soul. i wonder if it's even worth the effort of processing any of it? one moment i am soaring....and the next i am curled into a weepy little heap on the floor. such is life....i suppose. i shall write more later...but this shall suffice for now. i live. sometimes joyously. sometimes aware of a greater depth of pain, sin, turmoil, and sometimes...just longing for numbness. what am i even saying? i do not know.

i do know...i am off to sleep. for i need it.

peace.

~lp

2009-02-16T23:14:00.000-08:00

2009-02-16T14:08:00.000-08:00

2009-02-16T14:06:00.000-08:00

2009-02-16T13:57:00.000-08:00

three week burbs.

2008-12-15T22:31:00.000-08:00

a part of me wants to be that little kid again. i think i am getting a faint idea of what it might mean to "let go." i think - a part of me is scared to let it happen b/c there won't be anyone there to scoop me up when it happens. I've felt utterly alone and isolated and helpless before in life.... i don't want to let myself feel those things again. i remember the pain from that time...once is enough. maybe that's not what is being asked for...pain. but i guess i don't even know what is being asked for.

a part of me is fearful that the thing of importance (whatever that is) will not emerge during these 3 weeks. This means: 1) it will never come out or (2). it will rear it's head at a different time. but, i want it to come out now. i know these 3 weeks are "safe." There is support here...and someone to be with me. this is rare for me. i am frustrated w/ myself - b/c i don't know how to do it. i feel like i should come with an instruction manuel on how to open me and then explanations on how to care for what's inside. i think people assume i would know these things - but i don't. the isf program, in general, is a safe place. welcoming of questions, thoughts, tears, doubts, etc. in a few short months i'll be kicked out of the community....sent out again to the world with even more ideas and experience i cannot explain. it will be me alone...w/ all these thoughts rumbling around in my head. i'll be even more fragmented as another experience passes me by. i long for that constant thread to be woven throughout all these experiences. enter the sunday school answer, "jesus." he knows your heart! (sarcastic undertones heavy).

i just don't feel like i fit anywhere. i always feel like i am forced to assimilated to the culture around me. i feel left w/o my own concepts and ideas. in california people think i'm this naive white girl that never saw an asian before coming to SoCal. as a white person, i feel unable to have my own culture, b/c it would impede upon others. i have to watch what i say...but, i feel i don't even understand my own culutre in many ways. i always feel like i am fighting on my own - w/ no where to retreat back to for rest. occasionally people fight w/ me...but they're not always there. it's nice to be in the safety of ISF...but they won't always be there. i better not rely upon them...b/c soon they will be gone and it will just be me again. these 3 wks will end...and no one will be there. i fear moving further away from those that do not understand me. isf throw around ideas which are difficult to articulate. these 3 weeks will be difficult as well. people will express an interest in hearing...and i won't even know where to begin. i find myself avoiding conversations with old friends b/c they leave me feeling even more unknown then before. i avoid conversation to avoid driving a wedge between our hearts even deeper.

everything changes. i long for stability. i am always moving on and meeting new people. growing close to them and then moving on. nothing stays the same. you may still be friends, but it doesn't look the same. growing close and moving on began to be overwhelming. all these people i've met in the past two years will soon be scattered across the country. opening up is hard...and then to have those people move on sucks. you can't hold back from loving just b/c it's going to be hard to leave. you have to just jump in and love. who knows where the relationship could end up? you've just got to be obedient in the small steps. ... no one ever said it was going to be painless.

balls.

2008-12-13T01:01:00.000-08:00

did the title grab your attention? i hope so. that's what i was going for. my referral to balls is the emotional type. the ball that gets all tangled up in the pit of your stomach. you can just feel the weight there. it's not b/c you have to take a dump (whatever that means...as a friend recently pointed out that it seems you leave a dump rather then take it)...but, whatever the case....the weight is present. you don't really even have to think about one specific thought...but, all the emotion is present. you could perhaps untangle a few of the strands of thought that combine to create the ball of weight at the pit. does untangling these strands actually help? should i stop attempting to untangle and examine each strand? or...just acknowledge the emotional ball is there and allow myself to feel that? is there benefit in this closer examination to the components of the ball? i crave peace for my soul in this area. i crave someone to come alongside me and fight for me. i crave to feel in the inner part of myself that i am his beloved.

ignatian exercises.

2008-12-10T13:15:00.000-08:00

the grace you are seeking this week is to know jesus intimately, to love him more intensely, and to follow him more closely.

questions of examen: when and how did you choose to follow Jesus and embrace his kingdom today? when and how did you not choose to follow jesus and embrace his kingdom today? why?

thoughts.

2008-12-10T12:25:00.000-08:00

into a hole i shall crawl and perhaps not emerge.

that's the place i stand... the dangerous place of looking for any excuse to retreat into the darkness. my tenderness annoys myself. others shouldn't have to deal with it...and therefore why i think it'd be best for me to retreat so others don't have to deal with it. i should handle it on my own. i should buck up and get over it. i should start capturing my thoughts and aligning them to truth. but, i cannot hide from the pain that sears so deeply. it's like a spear was plunged and punctured an aquafer which is now spewing water. it's like those geysers that just spew gallons of water high into the air as the pressure builds up. the pressure needs to be released. i need healthy releases. have these things been repressed for so long...the pressure is stronger than i realize? beware of those sitting atop the geyser b/c they will be sprayed high into the air. careful...stay away.

tender.

2008-12-03T20:14:00.000-08:00

why do i get hurt so easily?

i extend myself ... and then get shot down.

it crushes my spirit...and shuts me down.

why do these things upset me so much?

quietness.

2008-12-02T23:07:00.000-08:00

i arrive to my home late at night. a few nights ago a heavy fog settled upon my surroundings. i've never been as disoriented as i was that evening. perhaps its because i am no longer use to incliment weather...but, this fog was thick. i actually drove past my turn and the odd thing was that i was actively looking for the turn off. i stepped out of the car...and an eery silence screamed and filled my ears. i am surrounded by people where i live. it's not like i can hop in the car and hit a corn field in 15 minutes.... i can hop in the car and not hit open space for hours. it's incredibly clausterphobic. this fog just gave me a feeling of aloneness. a feeling that is familiar... and it's familiarity brings me comfort. i'm not sure what to do if i don't feel this deep loneliness. can i be happy? can i be carefree? do i even have this capacity? i think i do. i am created with this capacity but it has not been trained in the ways some of my other capacities have been trained. can i train myself in joy? i think that i can. and i might try it out.

2008-12-02T23:06:00.000-08:00

on pier39 taking pics of really cool stuff.... mine was the best.

dan, julie, joel.

the bridge.

more of the busy bridge.

a few pics from san jose....

2008-12-02T23:01:00.000-08:00

the trip up....i loved the cloudy/near rainy weather. the sun may be getting annoying.

in the car. dan's lovely airfreshner.

more of the sea and sky.

joel looked little in the chair where his feet couldn't touch the ground.

disney xmas

2008-11-22T01:26:00.000-08:00

maybe.

2008-11-22T01:14:00.001-08:00

maybe it's not me.
it's you.

...

2008-11-21T00:36:00.000-08:00

i met a kid today. his name was frank. he clung tightly to this little stuffed dog. i was frustrated at times....was he even listening to me? i couldn't get him to read the book the teacher seemed to want him to read. he wouldn't pick out a book. i couldn't keep his interest. but then i picked out a book to read to him and he sat there w/ the dog in his lap listening. he tried to appear as if he wasn't interested...but he was. and then we moved to playing uno together. i felt the freedom to joke around with him...but yet give him some structure he needed. after the time was over he grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go. he wanted to be near me. i felt wanted by this little 9 year old kid whose caretakers live somewhere near skid-row. what had this kid seen in his life? what has he been exposed to? what lies ahead in his future? where will he be in a few years? i left the building this afterschool program was held and stumbled across a sleeping bag sprawled across the sidewalk. the mission across the street was full and locked up for the evening. the others were left scattered on the street amongst the piles of trash.

what is our role in these definite needs within our cities? what is the correct response? what is needed? honestly...it felt quite similar to many of the streets i walked down in thailand...or even ukraine to an extent. the ministry itself felt quite similar to things done in ukraine. sigh. i suppose i have alot more thoughts on these matters...but my head throbs and i must sleep.

i shall attempt to examine these ideas more later.

time stop.

2008-11-20T00:20:00.000-08:00

do you ever desire for time to just stop?
maybe just a few more seconds to process those thoughts that fly through your head?
space. this is what i desire. space to be.

this summer i had three weeks to be.
i craved time w/ people by the end of the third week.
now...i crave for space.

i need to keep this balance.
of being w/ others...and then retreating.

2008-11-16T17:56:00.001-08:00

love. desires the best for the other person.

how few friendships actually reflect this. selfish people are we.... and we want the best for ourselves and don't care who we push down in the process of obtaining it. Christians cover it with seemingly holy things...but, they are the worst at heaping guilt upon others and hiding behind manipulative statements to forgive. we sometimes allow ourselves to be trampled upon by others... b/c we just think so lowly of ourselves that we don't demand to be treated with respect. but...dang it. we need enough confidence and love of ourselves to demand the respect due of others in our lives. we shouldn't allow ourselves to be used and abused and trampled upon. i've allowed this to happen to me in the past. but, i like myself too much now to let it happen again. perhaps i think too highly of myself. and yet...i know another who thinks even more highly of me then i do most of the time. i want to have his eyes. i long to see others as He sees them...why don't i seek to see myself through this same lens?

recently.

2008-11-10T21:28:00.001-08:00

so...i recently found out that people actually read my blog. like...people i like. (lindsay). (debra). (jen). any others out there want to make themselves known? anyways...you guys are all a long distance away. i decided to post pics of the peeps i've been spending a lot of my time w/ the past few weeks. (see below).

perhaps i shall post more of my thoughts at a later date. right now my mind is so mushy that nothing would come out clearly.

2008-11-10T21:15:00.000-08:00

friends.

these are my friends.

kate.

julie.

dan.

joel.

we like disney.
disney movies.
disney lands.
disney distraction.

prayer_project

2008-11-10T21:05:00.000-08:00

Assignment: First, spend time asking God what it means to be awakened to God throughout the day. Question if it’s your will to get up (amongst other things). Do this for three days at the beginning of each day. Second, take a person in life that you feel closed down to and ask God what it would be like to be willing to God in regard to this person. Third, take ½ hour and pray 10 minutes for each category asking to what degree you are willfull, will-less, and willing.

The morning times of prayer were interesting as I would often just lay in bed just after waking up and mull over these thoughts in my head, consciously setting them before God and asking him the truth of what the day held. I found myself remembering certain aspects which emerged on the three week retreat in regards to how often I do things because I simply feel it’s the right thing to do…or the thing I should do. I just do the things I think I should do, and never what I want. I can get to the point where I feel I’ve lost my person in the entire process. Would I do anything if I had a choice? I feel like I may just remain in bed and sleep and then never talk to anyone ever again. I often don’t want to get out of bed or interact with others. What drives this is a fear that I will disappoint others. I’d rather just not attempt to do things, then attempt to do something and fail them. I often feel like I am simply in the way of other people…and it’d be better if I just was not around. This is what goes through my mind as I sat with the questions for the first part of the prayer project. When I would arrive at this point I would realize how I am going into a downward tailspin as I sat alone in my thoughts…and so would address God as to what it would look like to be willing to him in the day. I still sometimes felt like it was a stretch to determine what is my neurotic thoughts as to what God would have me do, and what was really him prompting me to do something. I have been wrestling with my God image, and so this has made these things more difficult as to determine what is him and what is me. I sometimes am slightly scared to really lay these questions out there because I am afraid of his response or request of me.

This flows into the second part of the prayer project which was asking God about what it would be like to be willing to him in a certain situation w/ a person. A persons face came to mind when Coe first offered this assignment. I already felt this sense of guilt because I hadn’t made myself completely available for this person the past few weeks. I had almost been avoiding the person because they were overwhelming to me. I felt like it was slightly like self-protection. But, when thinking about opening this up to God, I felt like he would be pissed at me b/c I wasn’t being selfless and loving towards this person. However, as I began to open up this area which I had attempted to harden my heart, I didn’t find God’s anger or disappointment in how I was handling this situation, instead I found almost a peace and affirmation. And it wasn’t necessarily that I felt good about how I had been treating this person…but, it was more just a feeling of being accepted by him. My thoughts and emotions didn’t even have to do with the other person, but just me. I am not sure if this is simply because I have been self-consumed lately and simply don’t care about the other persons feelings. A question arose in my mind as to why I think I need to sacrifice myself to all peoples in my life. This simply consumes me and drains me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. This issue has arisen before…and I asked myself if this is what God would have for me. I sometimes think this is what God would have for me, and why I don’t always approach him b/c I don’t want to become consumed with caring for other people. This project was a reminder that perhaps if I approach him, he will not heap even more upon me. Perhaps by seeking him out I will find peace and rest. This completely shakes the way I have always approached things. I simply assume that I know what God will say…and so that often stops me from actually approaching Him. Why actually pray when I know what he will tell me? This is what hinders me from praying at times. Why should I pray if I already know what I should do? No wonder my prayer life has shrunk. Could God respond opposite of what I think? This is scary because it means I am no longer in control, but really opening me up to having a deeper trust in God.

The third part was examining the degree and areas of being willful, will-less and willing. It was difficult for me to find areas of being willful. I feel as if I am blind to these areas. My mind kept wandering to the depths of which I am will-less. I feel as if I am in the depths of this despairing and will-less attitude. I am not even sure how to get out of this sadness which I find within the will-lessness. I do find an opening to deeper areas of sin…b/c there seems to be no hope to get out of it, so why should I even attempt to get out? It’s an impossibility to emerge from this will-less attitude, so why should I even attempt. I became a bit confused as to how I am willing…b/c I seem to think I am will-less in all areas. I identified certain words I have discussed w/ God as seemingly being open….but perhaps I am still attempting to hold onto these areas.

evenings.

2008-10-20T22:59:00.000-07:00

it's hard gain sleep.
maybe i don't want to loose consciousness b/c i know what the next day holds. i'd rather stay up and prolong the approaching morning. an anxiety builds...and anticipation of the unknown. so many thoughts. no peace. just more questions. more longings. a hunger. my heart aches. my mind spins.

a mesh.

2008-10-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

i feel overwhelmed and unsettled. so much is being stirred within me making me long with an even greater intensity for something stable. something known. something certain. are these desires selfish? or...just a glimpse and hint of things that offer health to my soul? perhaps...an invitation to enter into those desires to see what lies there. i got stuck on one of the sentences of the books i was reading today: "you do not have to analyze your prayers to gain its benefits." I don't have to sit and analyze and determine what is going on to reap the benefits of prayer. this idea offers release to a bit of stress. i don't have to figure out what is going on for that certain thing to occur.

wow. how amazing. now, i think there is something to pondering and examining life. but...you don't have to have an answer to everything and have everything fit into a nice little box to experience it. i don't have to understand what is going on within a relationship in order to enjoy that relationship. just be. that is the theme and what i long for in my life. to just be. to be secure in just being.

growing.

2008-10-13T00:25:00.000-07:00

i have this fear of reverting back to ways i felt throughout last spring. just an overwhelming sense of unsettledness. (i'm fairly certain that's not a word). I've been meditating on these two thoughts:

"Fear not --> for i am with you"
and
"Do not be dismayed --> for i am your God."

what would it mean if i internalized that the one who made the world and everything in it....is my God? the one i submit my life to and attempt to live my life for.....is my God? would i fear things anymore? would i feel the need to prove myself? would i have fear? would i worry? obviously....i don't internalize or believe that God is who he says he is...or i would not have these incessant fears and worries about life. i want that faith of david who refuses the armor offered by saul and simply walks to face goliath with what he knows. i'm sure others watching thought David foolish for not taking the neccesary precautions by wearing the armor. but, if david had worn the armor....let's face it. he would have been squished by the giant dude. david believed and knew that the one on his side was incredibly more powerful than goliath. it's not like he needed to prove something....but, it was God who came through. God was showing himself and his power to all who were watching in that moment in time and for the ages to come. why do i fear the future? oh...to simply trust in what i do know and step out without attempting to put on all the things others seem to push upon me.

found out.

2008-10-08T22:49:00.000-07:00

will i be found out of these questions and doubts that at times consume my mind?
i am realizing the hopes of quenching these doubts through knowledge obtained in a seminary will not be actualized. if anything....this whole program has stirred up more thoughts and doubts within me. and i will be let loose in a few months! for this i am scared. the feelings of alone-ness overcome me as i think on this. shall i just not think of this? do i live in the present? or in my mind?

my world is spinning faster and faster. the fastness becomes a security....for as it slows reality smacks you hard in the face. the distraction of the fastness fade and you are left with yourself. how amazing it is that many go through life without facing themselves. i sometimes wish i had that gift...that ability to not examine and contemplate and analyze. wouldn't that be peace-filled? but...i don't really mean that. it just seems life would be easier and funner. maybe less deep. but, could i be ok w/ that? i began this journey...and now it's impossible to return to the way things were. even if i wanted. this deep longing would still exist within me. maybe depth is good. it's real. but, maybe i'd rather live in falseness with happieness....then reality with unmet longings.

i'm tired of trying so hard. if i just gave up...would it matter? would i be caught? would someone catch me? i'm exhausted of holding on and know that i can't much longer. do i trust?

"I have chosen you and not cast you off. Fear not, for i am with you; be not dismayed, for i am your God; i will strengthen you, i will help you, i will uphold you with my righteous right hand." isaiah 41:10

things i like...

2008-10-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

disneyland.
sleeping.
abbie.
chilin on the rents leather couches.
thunderstorms.
hugs.
puppies....cuddling puppies.
fall.
laughing.
friends.
getting the seat i like at panera's.
staring at the sky while listening to music.
kate leaning against me in class and occasionally grabbing my knee.
being finished with homework.
curling up in a little ball underneath piles of blankets.
watching lost w/ ernice and a few others.
staying up late talking about nothing in particular.
when people notice when i walk into the room.
long road trips. looong ones.
finding money in my pocket.
finding my phone after it's been lost.
christmas music.
exploring national parks...yellowstone is up near the top.
thanksgivings in minnesota.
going to the mall with mom and jill.
capturing beautiful things with a camera.
having nothing to do.
going home to iowa.
living in the present moment.
wearing a hoodie...or headcovering.
being alone in my room after a full day.
curling up with a good book.
congruency in life.

2008-09-16T19:17:00.000-07:00

isf is presenting a lecture series on spiritual formation in the upcoming weeks. i think it will be pretty sweet. i am fairly certain that cds will be made available after the series. the topics look really interesting. i am especially interested on coe's lecture on the spiritual discipline of emotional chastity. he has spoken about this a little bit in some of the classes i've taken, but i think we'll get the whole package in this evening. how can people not be interested in these topics? i am feeling pretty blessed to be where i am right now. i pretty much don't want to graduate. you can check out the topics here: lecture series. i'm sure i'll write a few thoughts about these series. i actually have all these peeps as profs this semester (except willard). i am currently in a theo class w/ porter. i am encouraged by this teaching style. i don't feel like unpacking that now. maybe i will later. if you're lucky. i have slightly grown disheartened with this blog.

wrong.

2008-09-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

have you ever believed something so deeply.... something which began to shape so drastically your understanding of yourself and the world around you ... and then realized it was false?

but, then you can't seem to rip yourself away from those pieces that want to attach once again to that thing which was once so familiar... and that thing which once felt so right.
the problem remains that it wasn't true.

the problem increases because other people around you believe it's true...and continue to believe it's true. you want to scream at them that it's a lie. but, it doesn't even matter.

i'm pissed right now.
it's not true...these things that others say.
but, certain people believe them and take them to heart.
it angers me that they believe these lies about themselves.
i want them to realize the wrong they have done.
and to actually let themselves feel the deep pain stemming from their wrong.
but they don't.
and it makes me mad.

stop pushing away those guilty feelings.
because you're guilty....and you know it.

what am i talking about?
who cares. it's all futile.

awhile.

2008-09-02T23:37:00.000-07:00

i didn't realize how long it had been since i posted. alas...it's been awhile. i don't have much to say. well, i think i probably do have a lot to say. on my three week the guy told me i should keep writing. i keep a lot of stuff inside me. sometimes it just erupts in this whole mess of stuff. i really like my thoughts sometimes. they make me laugh to myself. i wonder at people. i wonder what they are thinking or why they say the things they do. what makes people get up each morning and attempt to interact with the world around them? what's the point? at times it seems pointless to me....b/c everyone just feels lonely anyway. everyone attempts to make themselves look better in front of others. people seem to be jockeying for others attention and love. that's all we do...with no one secure enough to actually give the love. so...we're all a bunch of love hungry, unfulfilled savages. some people think they have found this thing to fulfill them...but it won't. they'll just bury the deep desire that is intrinsic to who they are. i don't want to bury that desire...but to live in it and embrace it. i make no sense. but, that's pretty much ok w/ me. you kept reading. so, thanks.

my three week has impacted me greatly... in ways i am not sure how to verbalize. it was an incredibly gift to be seen, heard and loved in a deep way. it was healing. i experienced healing. and...not in a cognitive understanding...but an actual experience. something which cannot be replicated. there is something to this relationship thing. perhaps that's why sin is broken relationship w/ God. we are relational beings. isn't that crazy? i don't want to be reliant and dependent upon others. but...the truth is that it's not good for man to be alone. we are made to be in relation with each other and God. sigh. how beautiful.

yellow_pics

2008-08-05T23:05:00.001-07:00

i decided to post a few favorite shots from my time in yellowstone w/ my parents. it was a pretty sweet trip. i parted from them in seattle as i began my three week venture into the depths of my created being. i have loved my journeys across america the past few months. from california to iowa...and from minnesota to washington. and now from iowa back to california. what a joy to see so much of this beautiful country. i fall more in love with it each passing day. i think i am glad i am an american. i am almost saddened that some people seem ashamed of this fact. anyway...hope you enjoy some of these pictures.

2008-08-05T23:05:00.000-07:00

2008-08-05T23:04:00.001-07:00

2008-08-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

2008-08-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

2008-08-05T23:02:00.001-07:00

2008-08-05T23:02:00.000-07:00

2008-08-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

feelin yellow

2008-08-05T23:00:00.000-07:00

new room.

2008-08-05T22:08:00.000-07:00

i spent a good portion of the past week in and out of stores attempting to determine the best deals to create myself a nice little atmosphere of a room out in my new place in california. i had a nice fluffy, blue blanket to go on top of my bed...but my mom thought it was too dirty/moldy to use for one more year. so...i purchased three different comforters in the past few weeks. i have returned 2 of them and decided upon the one above. it's from target. one of my favorite stores. it was cheap... one of the cheapest i saw my entire time shopping. then, my mom bought me some really incredibly nice sheets to go with the color scheme. and i also got new brown and blue towels to match. i feel like a whole new person now. i am slightly excited to get into my new room and make it look nice. honestly...last year i never really made the place my own. i kept things in my suitcase...and only taped stuff to the wall. i hope this next year to make the place actually lived in...and my own. we'll see how that goes.

shtuff.

2008-07-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

it's been awhile since i really blogged. about the good stuff. mostly b/c i no longer have good tabs upon who is reading this. i don't know my audience. but, who am i really writing this for? what is written here is not really a secret. so...i shall share. writing gives me an outlet for certain thoughts/feelings that need to be expressed. this was reiterated throughout the three week.

alot has gone on deep in this heart of mine the past few weeks. ...so much that i am at times overwhelmed with where to begin in understanding. so...i allow myself to become numb.

since coming back from the retreat i feel like my mind has slowly become more and more cluttered. that serenity that began... and that emptying of myself which began during the extended time of solitude was quickly reversed. it took so long for that to begin and that peacefulness to develop. and now...i'm right back in the throng of things to do... and things i feel i SHOULD do. it's the valley of SHOULDS that i walk through. that peace is quickly ripped away.

3 weeks is really not that long if you think about it. yes...at first it seemed like a long time. in the midst of it, it felt like a long time. but...it's not. but we fill our lives with so much... that we value our time so incredibly much that thinking of doing NOTHING for just a few hours boggles our minds. but...what of DAYS in a row without anything "productive" to do? where would your mind wander? how would you get those minutes and hours to pass? would you want them to? would you want them to be longer? would you have things to think about? things you want to think about? or...things you just want to run away from? how would you distract yourself when all the familiar distractions are removed? no books. no music. no tv. no movies. no cell phone. no computer. no people. no exercising. no real chores. just...you. a pen. a paper. some water. a chair and an amazing view of the bay and mt. rainer.

what happened during that time? did anything? am i changed? was it a waste? i sometimes find myself missing the guy i met with every morning at 5:50am. at first i despised the man who sat behind me out of sight and forced me to lay down and talk about things. but....after nearly a week of torture the pain began to lessen as he began to interact and engage me. it was as if... the removal of interaction with another increased the impact of the felt experience of the other. um... i'm trying to articulate how the actual interaction with this older gentleman was more appreciated b/c i had so deeply felt his absence. i may not have noticed how much that distance between us (his silence) was effecting me, until that distance was erased by his active removal of it. it's like....when he left me simply laying on the couch w/ all my inner turmoil to sort through...i felt the pain and emptiness. it's representative of how i often feel in life. aloneness. emptiness. i struggle in wondering if anyone cares or listens. i know SOMEONE does care....(God)....but do i really experience this? no..... not really. b/c.....when the therapist moved into my vision and made his presence known...it was a FELT difference. i didn't feel alone. i felt like he wanted to hear me. i wanted to open more. i wasn't fighting myself to open up anymore...it just occurred.

i often fight myself to really believe the truth. like...if understood enough theology.... or understood this certain bible passage... or grasped this certain doctrine.... if i close my eyes and believe hard enough, then something will change. but a fight continues deeper within me. and a small part of me dies as i continue to ignore that pain of loneliness and wonderment if God is really there or if i am alone. but, maybe that loneliness is a real feeling that shouldn't be ignored. not that it's TRUE...but, it's TRULY how i feel. me simply ignoring it and getting angry at myself for feeling that way is not beneficial at all. that anger at myself causes even more turmoil on the inside....which causes me to increasingly feel alone and distant.

when that guy moved across the great barrier between us...i felt something. it felt different. nothing had really changed. he still cared about me just as much and listened to me just as intently. but...the difference was within me and my understanding of the situation. and you know who had to cross that barrier first? the other guy. you know why? b/c he created the distance in the first place, and he therefore and the right to break the separation. the separation was really for my benefit and his respect of me during the time of exploring different issues of my life. but, it came to a point where God didn't want me to struggle in that process alone anymore...and he felt the barrier needed to be crossed. what a gift that experience was.... of feeling completely and utterly alone, but then to have that painful torture removed as eye contact was made and lives were shared.

it gives me a better picture of God in many ways. b/c, i do often feel like he's distant and far away. and i get angry at myself and rationalize my way out. but, i am working for something that i cannot change. it's really God that will reveal himself to us. all we can do is be open to those moments.... however often they occur. and...i am beginning to feel as if they occur more then i even dare to imagine currently.

the three week retreat was life changing for me...even though i sometimes doubt it. i know it was. many gifts were given to me throughout that sacred time. and...perhaps some gifts that will not be opened until later down the road. but, seeds were planted. wounds were dug into...but healing began. a hope was offered.... and i didn't have to simply fight to put it on this time. i pray i would not quickly forget these lessons. but, alas, i have one with me who will continue to remind me and deepen these things begun within me.

thanks to all who prayed form me during this time.

someone else's thoughts on "the shack"

2008-07-21T21:24:00.000-07:00

here is a response on a blog concerning the big hype over, "the shack."

The fuss over The Shack is coming mostly, it would seem to me, from the "very Reformed" side of the church aisle (Colson excepted). Could it be the criticism is not really about some supposed heresy (a very, very silly and specious charge) as it is about sytematics? These dogma-driven theological bullies can't stand to see a popular book that connects with normal Christians that has the audacity to be written from a more "Wesleyan" understanding of God's sovereignty. These Reformed front guard seem to be on a personal mission to denounce anything that does not conform to their narrow and sometimes neo-gnostic ideas of theology ("You must accept all of our secret codes, and only then will you really be able to understand the Bible."). I want to be loving and charitable with my brothers and sisters in Christ, but the Reformedism chant and mantra grates on my spirit. The Shack is just one more non-Reformed target for their acrimony.

I'm a 50-something, seminary-trained, conservative evangelical. I'm an analytical Biblical theologian. I read The Shack expecting to be disappointed. I was not. It's a great story. There is no heresy. It's encouraging and spiritually uplifting, and presents through artistic license a very compelling literary picture of the trinity and a comprehensible explanation of God's sovereignty. The critics you mentioned don't like anything that smacks of Wesleyan doctrine, and will reject and criticize it out of hand. The Reformedites can gather their band of critics and negativists. I, for one, hope The Shack gets a much wider audience. People need a hopeful picture of the personal and loving God who is sovereign in their lives, not a cold credalism that offers little more than a conforming frown. (from here)

I post this simply b/c i think it's well put. someone wondered my thoughts upon this book...i assume b/c of the major i am pursuing at talbot. i was actually surprised that certain individuals were not keen on this book...but were actually upset at the supposed doctrinal issues which were raised within the pages. honestly...i am getting perturbed that everything has to be pulled apart meticulously so it is aligned within the bounds of evangelical thought. i could barely hold in a groan when the pastor stated that one must open up the Word of God in order to discern if the dream they believe God has given them for their life is right. seriously? is the Bible going to tell me to continue down this certain path of education? ....trick question i suppose. but, you hear that from the pulpit every week and it begins to get frustrating b/c you are left never really knowing b/c it seems like the Bible doesn't actually address the issues you are facing. so...eventually your frustration leads to apathy...and your apathy leads to mere acceptance of the status quo of life. of the Christian life. instead of exploring a vibrant relationship w/ a living being...your passion is smushed as you attempt to discern if it aligns completely with God's word. so, i am skating on thin ice here. i do feel it. i am not chucking out the Bible...although at times it seems i want to. but, i am saying there is MORE. and...we shouldn't be scared of what that MORE could look like.

I have included the original post below. it gives you a bit of insight into the hype.

Several conservative Protestant heavyweights--Al Mohler, Chuck Colson, Mark Driscoll, and influential blogger Tim Challies--have sounded off on the dangers of The Shack's vision of God, salvation, and the Church, creating a quartet of caution for the casual Christian reader. These strong cautions are all the more notable in light of the over-the-top endorsement from one of evangelicalism's most respected spiritual sages, Eugene Peterson, which is featured on the book's back cover.

Among other things, this growing backlash broaches important questions about the proper relationship between art, theology, and the Church for evangelicals and their close kin. What does it mean for artists to be faithful to the confessional Christian traditions and communities of which they are a part, especially that largest of communions--the communion of the saints across time, space, and tradition? If we regard the Nicene Creed as a shared expression of that broad communion, what does it mean for an artist, perhaps a writer such as William Young, to be faithful to that confession?

Switching directions, we must also ask what it means for Christian traditions and communities to be faithful to artists and their craft. This, too, is a theological question: How does the Church show good faith toward those sub-creators in God's human economy whose very creative inclinations are evidence that they bear the image of a God who delights in creating? Making a place for art and the artist is a way of affirming the human and creational pattern that the Christian God calls "very good."

My hunch is that we probably see a failure to keep faith on both sides here, and that it would be a good thing for all of God's Church to discuss the when's, where's, why's, and how's of our mutual infidelities.

Along the way we might also want to pause to think about what the phenomenal grassroots popularity of an iconoclastic novel such as The Shack--1.1 million copies in print, 500,000 more to be printed in June, UK rights just purchased--tells us about the attitudes and pastoral realities churches must reckon with on the ground.

just wanted to keep ya'll in the loop.

a bit about the 3wk. enough to hold you over for awhile.

2008-07-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

this is the house i stayed in for 3 wks.

i slept on the floor of this room. mt. rainer is off to the left. you can't see it on this day. but, it made for beautiful sunrises and sunsets. trust me. i saw them all.

this is the sweet staircase up to the loft area. i liked it alot.

this is the downstairs. i didn't spend much time here at all. it scared me. i preferred to be up higher overlooking the bay.

intensive journey inward.

that's what the retreat is entitled. it was fairly intense. stayed at this house. alone. i had flashbacks of all the scary movies that ever were placed before my eyes. even scary commercials or tv shows. things i thought i was completely immune to. let me tell you this....YOU'RE NOT. it comes back to you. i could totally freak myself out and think that people were watching me. it didn't help that whenever the water turned on you could hear it running through the pipes underneath the floor. i could vividly imagine hands shooting up through the floorboards and grabbing my legs and pulling me down. i slept at the top of this amazing little house....here's a picture to give you a glimpse of what i am talking about. i slept in the master bedroom the first day...and then decided it was too big. i was used to sleeping on the floor underneath my bed in a cavelike area....so an entirely open room on an actually bed felt completely awkward. so...i volunteered to sleep on the floor in the highest point in the house. i would lay awake and imagine an assasin running up the two flights of stairs and busting into my room and pointing a gun at me. i formulated escape plans in my spare time. and then i spent the rest of the time trying to reason myself out of all these imagined disasters. seriously...who would want to kill me? there was absolutely nothing in the house of value except my mint oreo cookies....and my favorite blue pen. really...no reason for someone to desire to kill me. but, then there was the fact i was a girl and therefore inevitably have something guys want. so says the media. yes....this is indeed how my mind works. i wondered if this was simply how all people felt when they were alone...or specific to girls. and...actually...i don't think guys get as scared as us girls about being mugged, killed, attacked....however you want to describe it. i probably developed a few ulcers because i was worried about my safety during my time of the retreat. and then...it wasn't just physical safety...i would begin to worry about the much more powerful spiritual realm and how busy the atmosphere must have been around me during that time. that freaked me out to. i had flashbacks to thailand alot... and thought about what happened during my time there quite a bit. i figured these thoughts were simply attempting to distract me from focusing upon other "good" stuff. so...i spent some time feeling guilty that i was so scared because that seems to reveal my lack of trust in God's care for me. it also shows how much i've let other things impact me. it reveals how out of control of myself i actually am. i couldn't keep my heart from skipping beats...and my stomach from jumping into my mouth at the slightest sound. what was God trying to show me within that fear? should i feel guilty that i didn't trust him enough? that's my usual route. feel guilty. then get angry at myself b/c i can't control this irrational fear. the anger at myself turns inward and throws me into a perpetual cycle of guilt which results in a slightly depressed mood. the peace came when i opened up and embraced this fear as legit. i mean...i was in this town where i knew absolutely no one, a female, alone, in a strange house being put through some intense issues to sort through. and...the fact was that i had some fear. i can't deny that feeling...so, why was i trying? my mind is constantly working overtime to move me away from certain feelings. i rationalize. it's what i do. it's how i learned to function and cope with things. this is a fantastic way to cope at times...and it's amazing that our minds are capable. but, what if we just looked at the feelings to see where those led us? instead of trying to rid ourself of certain feelings...what if we just embraced the reality that they exist. stop ourselves from attempting to "figure it out" and just...be. can we just feel? should we just feel?
i don't know. i just ask questions. i don't have alot of answers. i just wonder. i like wondering. i wonder why that is....

another thing...

2008-07-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

no dog...then i want a scooter. 100mpg. that's what i'm talking about. 65+mph. yup. maybe an orange one.

the shack

2008-07-12T14:40:00.000-07:00

"trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. because you do not know that i love you, you cannot trust me."

"i don't know how to change that."

"you can't, not alone. But together we will watch that change take place. For now i want you to be with me and discover that our relationship is not about performance or you having to please me. You cannot find that through guilt or condemnation or coercion, only through a relationship of love. And i do love you."

this is an excerpt from "The Shack" by William Young. The book was given to me by an older brother in Christ. i found the book to be an extraordinary glimpse into the heart of one as they openly wrestle with many questions Christians ask themselves today.... Or even questions i've asked myself and sometimes felt alone (0r wrong) in asking.

don't read up on the book before picking it up.... just open it up and snuggle up with a blanket and a cup of tea. honestly....a few tears slipped out as i read the book. tears of sadness...of joy....of hope. perhaps it was because my heart was tender as i left the time of solitude and silence. perhaps. but perhaps something deeper was moving within me. it was touching places that had been stirred up in the time of retreat.

i found this book refreshing to my heart, which often feels alone and disconnected from God and others. it was a sweet break from books which seem to be yelling at me and telling me how things should be done and heaping guilt upon me b/c i haven't done it yet.

3 week retreat

2008-06-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

6 more days of the intensive journey inward retreat. i am in the last few hours of my "day off." this meant i could touch technology...and do anything i wanted. which...didn't amount to much. i didn't want to do much. i don't want to say much now. i am sure some charged blogs lay in the near future. for now.... i will share with you the dog i want to adopt. i am probably won't get to adopt one... but, i would in a minute if the concept of 'practicality' didn't continual scream loudly in my ear. isn't she beautiful?

anger.

2008-05-25T02:10:00.003-07:00

i am getting in touch w/ some anger.
it's good.
especially b/c the sun is already down.

sleep evades.

2008-05-25T02:00:00.000-07:00

i cannot sleep. i don't want to sleep. it's those moments before i loose conciousness that my mind wanders extensively. i am scared to where it may wander. what is going on within the deep? what is trying to emerge from within my soul?

i soon depart on my three week retreat. i am scared. i am not alone much in my life anymore. living in a house with five girls makes this nearly impossible. especially w/ girls that i really enjoy spending time with.

next year i shall graduate. when i graduated undergrad....i had few friends with whom i was sad to leave. it was pretty dull, honestly. yesterday i went to graduation and was excited for my friends that walked across the stage. i genuinely yelled and screamed for them as their name was called. the cowbell was rung with vigor. next year....many of my friends will graduate with me (Lord willing). i will part ways with many people that have become close friends. yes....close and real friends. the kind of friendship i experienced with only one or two back in ames.

i cannot believe that four years of my life were spent in ames, iowa. in the ways that they were spent. so...alone and unheard and misunderstood. how sad and lonely this time actually was. it makes me bitter and angry at the people that i knew at that time. i have an anxious feeling in my stomach at the thought of returning to a place i feel isn't freeing....but hindering to my soul. i do not have to return...but, it's a wonderment to me as to why i have such averse feelings to such a place.

this is why i must tire myself out prior to shutting off the light and the computer and the music....b/c it's in the quiet of the night my mind wanders and the tears fall. for things which i thought were...but were not. for the lonelieness which was....but the fortitude which pushed me forward. for the gracious God that has directed me to this community of understanding and encouragement. honestly....i cannot imagine it getting much better than this. this is why i do not want to graduate next year. this place is safe. and warm. and loving. and real. and freeing. such a place i have only fought for before.....but never experienced.

thoughts on dark nights...my style.

2008-05-20T19:51:00.001-07:00

merton in 'no man is an island': God, who is everywhere, never leaves us. yet He seems sometimes to be present, sometimes absent. If we do not know Him well, we do not realize that He may be more present to us when He is absent than when he is present.

We learn much about dark nights in our program here. i actually have a test on it soon. no way could i explain it well in a few short sentences....nor do you need to fully understand these dark nights to develop spiritually (obviously). At conversion, the core of a person is changed (2 cor 5:17). a new love for God is experienced. however, the habituated psychological dynamics of the soul have yet to be transformed. a new core is created, but residual pockets of sin exist which have been ingrained in the individuals soul since birth. at conversion, this new desire and love for God is mistaken for deep characterlogical change. However, true change and transformation of those habituated psychological dynamics is a slow and painful process. a dark night is a time of transformation and deep purging of wrong motivations which have existed since birth. pre-conversion the heart sought things for pleasures sake. at conversion, we experienced seeking God as pleasure filled...and this excited us to seek God with more enthusiasm. the sinful activity that brought satisfaction and pleasure pre-conversion no longer brings the same joy, but seeking God now offers one that satisfaction. new habits are formed during this time...because one continues to endure in the spiritual disciplines because they receive pleasure from them. during a dark night, this satisfaction and joy in seeking God is removed. this can leave the individual feeling slightly confused. the spiritual disciplines which once brought one joy, now no longer provide that joy. times of prayer seem dry. God may seem distant. the individual begins to wonder what they have done wrong. however, they have done nothing wrong! this is actually an invitation for one to see the reality of what is going on within their heart. the individual has begun to think that they have been responsible for their growth since conversion. they believe their feelings of closeness to God have been aroused primarily by their efforts and as a result of their acts of obedience and fervency towards the spiritual disciplines. however, the truth is that it has always been by God's love and grace. the individual wrongly uses feelings and their sense of pleasure to measure the level of their spirituality, and they also wrongly believe that their attention to the spiritual disciplines have made the difference in their transformation process. the first dark night is an attempt to purge the individual of these two wrong (but common) misbeliefs.

"The first dark night opens the way for the second major shift or stage of growth (illumination) in which God is loved less for pleasure sake and more for a love in-and-of-itself. this is a love based upon a real relationship between two persons, more along the lines of a marriage than a romance, or of love between child and parent. This, in turn, leads to the second dark night of the spirit in which the soul must be cured even of wanting God for the sake of experiencing mutual love. Instead, the soul must learn to love God just for Himself in such a manner that He, and not the need to be loved, is the center of all things. This latter experience might best be likened to Jesus' experience at Gethsemane in which he ultimately chose the love of God for God's sake. For Jesus, the will of the Father would be more central than His love for conscious fellowship with the Father, or the love of God for the sake of love." -excerpt from "Musings on the Dark Night of the Soul: Insights from St. John of the Cross on a Developmental Spirituality" by John H. Coe (Journal of Psychology and Theology, 2000).

anyway....this has been more my attempt to explain things in a clear and succinct way for those out there that might be interested. it has also been a help in preparation for the upcoming exam. i'll probably come back and talk about this a bit more. i'd love to know anyones thoughts that actually reads this...(if any).

"Believers in the dark night often feel an incredible amount of guilt over not feeling close to God in the spiritual disciplines. As a result, they are often tempted to deal with this guilt by working harder at the spiritual life. This is typically true of those who attend more dogmatic bible-teaching churches that in healthy cases appeal to the conscience, but in wrost cases often appeal instead to neurotic guilt as a motivation for godly living." -john coe.

The believer in the dark night is faced with warring passions as they begin to see how full of themselves they are. the dark night is intended to bring these sinful passions to the surface from the heart. these sinful passions have been their since conversion...but the individual is just now becoming aware of what is actually within his own heart. the goal of this dark night is for one to realize that God is calling them into a new obedience and continued deeper journey into the truth of ones own heart. one needs to learn how to open to God in the truth of themselves. and journey to the depths of their heart where the Spirit dwells and sees and knows all.

2008-05-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

just looked at this picture. it made me miss a good friend, jen. she was an amazing friend to me during a really difficult season of life. this picture is of me studying for a thai language class. i sucked it up majorly. some song about an elephant (chan)....and water.....and alot (mak mak). i don't know. whatever. but, this picture just makes me feel all nostalgic. to have a day to lounge around and study. how young we were. how much heartbreak our hearts have seen sense this time (more than just a failed language test). in some ways i want to return and enjoy those moments. in other ways, i am glad for where i am at and the ways i have grown and matured in the past few years. know jen...that i miss you.

class work.

2008-05-07T19:35:00.001-07:00

i post some work for class on the blog next door. check it out if interested. this is mostly for those folks reading my blog that are NOT in california and thus unawares of what i've been learning in school. i'll be posting a few papers on retreat soon....if i ever get them finished. i'd be interested to hear what you think... jot me an email.

let go.

2008-04-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

2008-04-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

poppies again.
i am slightly partial to these photos...as they are the few i took before my camera died.
personally....i am fond of the small dirt path that carves it's way through the orange.
i also like the last photo...b/c after getting the shot i lost my footing and fell down. i am that cool.

therapy.

2008-04-22T23:37:00.000-07:00

a significant part of our program requires a deep looking into ones heart. i am not simply talking about a superficial understanding of what you think is going on....but, an incredibly depth...lovingly referred to as the 'cauldron.'

sometimes, i don't want to penetrate into this depth. i run away from the things which will help me dive deeply into this unknown. it's like in lost...when Charlie has to dive down into the station out in the water and desmond ties this thing around his waste to help him quickly sink to the station at the bottom of the ocean floor? yah....i want to take off those weights which will help me dive faster and simply flounder up on the surface w/ occasional half-hearted attempts to delve into the deep. what is in the cauldron? i'm not sure. the greatest fear is that nothing is there. but, the ultimate truth is that God is there. but, it's easier to simply flounder on the surface and verbalize our belief that God is in the depths. it's a whole other thing to dive into that deep and experience him.

but what if we do? and what if he's there? what if we experience him? what if we stop thinking we've arrived in this life....and really begin to experience God in our life?

i entitled this entry as 'therapy.' i have begun meeting with a therapist in the past week. i must admit we haven't really addressed the things in life i thought we'd address (although it's only been two sessions). however, it has actually been refreshing. i am a firm believer that everyone should get some good counseling sometime in their life to help them dive a bit deeper into their hearts and expose some well-grounded lies. i have already identified a few key things in my life which, for years, i had believed as the ultimate truth. ...but what if these things were not true? when did this wrong thinking begin? what if someone actually sat and listened to what i had to say? what if i had something to say? what if wounds were exposed that needed healing? what if lies were uncovered? what if i were able to actually verbalize and own those repressed emotions? what of those emotions emerged actually emerged? whatever comes out of my heart....is already there now. it's just so deeply buried in that cauldron that it's unseen by most. that's why i like floating on the surface in the warm sun. but, i know in my heart that i am being beckoned deeper below the surface.... to the unknown. to an experience i cannot control. to a person i cannot control.

these are my thoughts for the evening.

trouble.

2008-04-22T01:15:00.000-07:00

i have trouble actually going to bed.

i don't want to go to therapy tomorrow.
stop making me talk about stuff.
i've developed fantastic coping mechanisms!
see me cope.

the outting.

2008-04-20T01:19:00.000-07:00

these are the state flowers of california. aren't they beautiful? of course i like them because they are orange. because the trip to las vegas got canned due to our busy schedules...we decided to make a small trip on our break to a near by poppy reserve. it was a fun outting with many laughs. honestly...some of the best times were taking random pictures. it was incredibly windy...and my wussy friends thought it was cold. some of the highlights include kyungsook thinking that everyone and their mom was going to the poppy reserve....when in reality all the cars were turning into six flags theme park. she also thought her stomach hurt because she ate her food when it was cold outside. and....i couldn't hold it in and laughed out loud at this. mostly because...it wasn't that cold. and...also because i have never heard of someones digestion being messed up b/c of eating in 'cold' conditions. in any event...the entire day was fun. it was only a two hour drive into these wonderful fields of opium. i am really going to miss living with these girls next year. tear.

this is the crew that went. eunice, faith, kyungsook and me. we're a pretty fun group.

these are the fields. i liked to run up and down the trails skipping and singing. i think the others on the trail enjoyed this as well.