sometimes...

i can go quite a long time without posting anything. but, my heart is feeling full at the moment. i wish i could articulate things well. i wish i could wrap my mind around my heart and thoughts. i feel like my eyes are so wide open...and i want to squeeze them closed. i wish that i didn't have to be on this path towards self-awarement (is that not a word?). I wish i could be naive about life...and just enjoy. but, maybe this is on the path to being, 'more human.' perhaps i am not even making sense to you.

being engaged, well, actually being in any sort of committed relationship requires work...and pain...and effort. i am realizing how roommates...and certain friendships...are not really committed relationships. they come and go. relationships ebb and flow.

i have been so hurt by female friends in the past. i've learned to keep people at a distance. actually, i realize i've kept people at a distance my entire life. i'm a closed person for the most part. i can tap into those deep places in my soul (and learned to dig deeper recently)...but i am quite careful w/ whom i share this stuff. i've been hurt again... and i want to retract and scream, "LOOK .... see what i get for trying again to care...?" but... at the same time. maybe life isn't about not getting hurt... but... allowing ourselves to be hurt. if we put up these huge boundary walls... we will shield ourselves from hurt, but also from love. we block people out...but we are also isolated inside. how can we learn to love in relationship with God if we cannot with others? how can we learn to love if not experiencing GOd's love? which one comes first? maybe it doesn't matter which is first...but, i do realize that it's ok to love and get hurt. at least we loved. at least we opened ourselves up. when we get hurt we can either curl into a ball and become bitter by it... or acknowledge the hurt and pain and somehow attempt to open to God amidst it. what does that look like? i'm not quite sure. but...i do know the answer is always in relationship. to God or others.

anyways...those are my brief thoughts for the moment.

so...i'm sad. and my heart is heavy. and i want to kick myself for caring... and not protecting myself... but, at the same time i think what transpired had to happen.

i watched alice in wonderland today. i found it quite grand (and also went for super duper cheap). the queen was pondering if it were better to love...or to be feared. she decided it was better to be feared...b/c when she quieted herself and opened herself to love it was harder. sigh. i like this movie..a.nd found quite a few things profound in it. maybe i'll write more later...but for now i must run to a meeting.

healthcare.

""This is a tax or a penalty on just living, and that's unconstitutional," he said of the mandate to purchase health coverage. "There's no provision in the Constitution of the United States giving Congress the power to do that.""
http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/03/22/health.care.lawsuit/index.html?hpt=T1

i may have to agree with this statement by Bill McCollum, the Republican attorney general of Virginia. To require insurance for any individual seems to be some sort of tax on living and existing. Does it not? Yes, the uninsured do put a strain on the current system. However, the requirement of the government to acquire insurance seems quite...radical. I get that other countries do this. I get that it's to help people out. I get that. but, i do tend to agree that the american government wasn't really set up on such grounds as to require this. we must at least admit to ourselves that the face of american government is forever shifting with this passing of the healthcare bill. at least admit that much. it's the largest reform of this kind in centuries. it will change the way americans live. it will impact our kids. it will impact you. it is scary...b/c change is scary. unknown is scary. do i think it will screw me over? probably...but i'm always a pessimist. do i understand it completely? no...not even a large smidgen. but, i do know it will impact you....and most american just like living without the influence of the government. (unless of course you are gaining some benefit...).