sometimes...
i can go quite a long time without posting anything. but, my heart is feeling full at the moment. i wish i could articulate things well. i wish i could wrap my mind around my heart and thoughts. i feel like my eyes are so wide open...and i want to squeeze them closed. i wish that i didn't have to be on this path towards self-awarement (is that not a word?). I wish i could be naive about life...and just enjoy. but, maybe this is on the path to being, 'more human.' perhaps i am not even making sense to you.
being engaged, well, actually being in any sort of committed relationship requires work...and pain...and effort. i am realizing how roommates...and certain friendships...are not really committed relationships. they come and go. relationships ebb and flow.
i have been so hurt by female friends in the past. i've learned to keep people at a distance. actually, i realize i've kept people at a distance my entire life. i'm a closed person for the most part. i can tap into those deep places in my soul (and learned to dig deeper recently)...but i am quite careful w/ whom i share this stuff. i've been hurt again... and i want to retract and scream, "LOOK .... see what i get for trying again to care...?" but... at the same time. maybe life isn't about not getting hurt... but... allowing ourselves to be hurt. if we put up these huge boundary walls... we will shield ourselves from hurt, but also from love. we block people out...but we are also isolated inside. how can we learn to love in relationship with God if we cannot with others? how can we learn to love if not experiencing GOd's love? which one comes first? maybe it doesn't matter which is first...but, i do realize that it's ok to love and get hurt. at least we loved. at least we opened ourselves up. when we get hurt we can either curl into a ball and become bitter by it... or acknowledge the hurt and pain and somehow attempt to open to God amidst it. what does that look like? i'm not quite sure. but...i do know the answer is always in relationship. to God or others.
anyways...those are my brief thoughts for the moment.
so...i'm sad. and my heart is heavy. and i want to kick myself for caring... and not protecting myself... but, at the same time i think what transpired had to happen.
i watched alice in wonderland today. i found it quite grand (and also went for super duper cheap). the queen was pondering if it were better to love...or to be feared. she decided it was better to be feared...b/c when she quieted herself and opened herself to love it was harder. sigh. i like this movie..a.nd found quite a few things profound in it. maybe i'll write more later...but for now i must run to a meeting.
being engaged, well, actually being in any sort of committed relationship requires work...and pain...and effort. i am realizing how roommates...and certain friendships...are not really committed relationships. they come and go. relationships ebb and flow.
i have been so hurt by female friends in the past. i've learned to keep people at a distance. actually, i realize i've kept people at a distance my entire life. i'm a closed person for the most part. i can tap into those deep places in my soul (and learned to dig deeper recently)...but i am quite careful w/ whom i share this stuff. i've been hurt again... and i want to retract and scream, "LOOK .... see what i get for trying again to care...?" but... at the same time. maybe life isn't about not getting hurt... but... allowing ourselves to be hurt. if we put up these huge boundary walls... we will shield ourselves from hurt, but also from love. we block people out...but we are also isolated inside. how can we learn to love in relationship with God if we cannot with others? how can we learn to love if not experiencing GOd's love? which one comes first? maybe it doesn't matter which is first...but, i do realize that it's ok to love and get hurt. at least we loved. at least we opened ourselves up. when we get hurt we can either curl into a ball and become bitter by it... or acknowledge the hurt and pain and somehow attempt to open to God amidst it. what does that look like? i'm not quite sure. but...i do know the answer is always in relationship. to God or others.
anyways...those are my brief thoughts for the moment.
so...i'm sad. and my heart is heavy. and i want to kick myself for caring... and not protecting myself... but, at the same time i think what transpired had to happen.
i watched alice in wonderland today. i found it quite grand (and also went for super duper cheap). the queen was pondering if it were better to love...or to be feared. she decided it was better to be feared...b/c when she quieted herself and opened herself to love it was harder. sigh. i like this movie..a.nd found quite a few things profound in it. maybe i'll write more later...but for now i must run to a meeting.
posted by lp at 5:25 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home