it's me: December 2008

three week burbs.

a part of me wants to be that little kid again. i think i am getting a faint idea of what it might mean to "let go." i think - a part of me is scared to let it happen b/c there won't be anyone there to scoop me up when it happens. I've felt utterly alone and isolated and helpless before in life.... i don't want to let myself feel those things again. i remember the pain from that time...once is enough. maybe that's not what is being asked for...pain. but i guess i don't even know what is being asked for.

a part of me is fearful that the thing of importance (whatever that is) will not emerge during these 3 weeks. This means: 1) it will never come out or (2). it will rear it's head at a different time. but, i want it to come out now. i know these 3 weeks are "safe." There is support here...and someone to be with me. this is rare for me. i am frustrated w/ myself - b/c i don't know how to do it. i feel like i should come with an instruction manuel on how to open me and then explanations on how to care for what's inside. i think people assume i would know these things - but i don't. the isf program, in general, is a safe place. welcoming of questions, thoughts, tears, doubts, etc. in a few short months i'll be kicked out of the community....sent out again to the world with even more ideas and experience i cannot explain. it will be me alone...w/ all these thoughts rumbling around in my head. i'll be even more fragmented as another experience passes me by. i long for that constant thread to be woven throughout all these experiences. enter the sunday school answer, "jesus." he knows your heart! (sarcastic undertones heavy).

i just don't feel like i fit anywhere. i always feel like i am forced to assimilated to the culture around me. i feel left w/o my own concepts and ideas. in california people think i'm this naive white girl that never saw an asian before coming to SoCal. as a white person, i feel unable to have my own culture, b/c it would impede upon others. i have to watch what i say...but, i feel i don't even understand my own culutre in many ways. i always feel like i am fighting on my own - w/ no where to retreat back to for rest. occasionally people fight w/ me...but they're not always there. it's nice to be in the safety of ISF...but they won't always be there. i better not rely upon them...b/c soon they will be gone and it will just be me again. these 3 wks will end...and no one will be there. i fear moving further away from those that do not understand me. isf throw around ideas which are difficult to articulate. these 3 weeks will be difficult as well. people will express an interest in hearing...and i won't even know where to begin. i find myself avoiding conversations with old friends b/c they leave me feeling even more unknown then before. i avoid conversation to avoid driving a wedge between our hearts even deeper.

everything changes. i long for stability. i am always moving on and meeting new people. growing close to them and then moving on. nothing stays the same. you may still be friends, but it doesn't look the same. growing close and moving on began to be overwhelming. all these people i've met in the past two years will soon be scattered across the country. opening up is hard...and then to have those people move on sucks. you can't hold back from loving just b/c it's going to be hard to leave. you have to just jump in and love. who knows where the relationship could end up? you've just got to be obedient in the small steps. ... no one ever said it was going to be painless.

balls.

did the title grab your attention? i hope so. that's what i was going for. my referral to balls is the emotional type. the ball that gets all tangled up in the pit of your stomach. you can just feel the weight there. it's not b/c you have to take a dump (whatever that means...as a friend recently pointed out that it seems you leave a dump rather then take it)...but, whatever the case....the weight is present. you don't really even have to think about one specific thought...but, all the emotion is present. you could perhaps untangle a few of the strands of thought that combine to create the ball of weight at the pit. does untangling these strands actually help? should i stop attempting to untangle and examine each strand? or...just acknowledge the emotional ball is there and allow myself to feel that? is there benefit in this closer examination to the components of the ball? i crave peace for my soul in this area. i crave someone to come alongside me and fight for me. i crave to feel in the inner part of myself that i am his beloved.

ignatian exercises.

the grace you are seeking this week is to know jesus intimately, to love him more intensely, and to follow him more closely.

questions of examen: when and how did you choose to follow Jesus and embrace his kingdom today? when and how did you not choose to follow jesus and embrace his kingdom today? why?

thoughts.

into a hole i shall crawl and perhaps not emerge.

that's the place i stand... the dangerous place of looking for any excuse to retreat into the darkness. my tenderness annoys myself. others shouldn't have to deal with it...and therefore why i think it'd be best for me to retreat so others don't have to deal with it. i should handle it on my own. i should buck up and get over it. i should start capturing my thoughts and aligning them to truth. but, i cannot hide from the pain that sears so deeply. it's like a spear was plunged and punctured an aquafer which is now spewing water. it's like those geysers that just spew gallons of water high into the air as the pressure builds up. the pressure needs to be released. i need healthy releases. have these things been repressed for so long...the pressure is stronger than i realize? beware of those sitting atop the geyser b/c they will be sprayed high into the air. careful...stay away.

tender.

why do i get hurt so easily?

i extend myself ... and then get shot down.

it crushes my spirit...and shuts me down.

why do these things upset me so much?

Labels: w

quietness.

i arrive to my home late at night. a few nights ago a heavy fog settled upon my surroundings. i've never been as disoriented as i was that evening. perhaps its because i am no longer use to incliment weather...but, this fog was thick. i actually drove past my turn and the odd thing was that i was actively looking for the turn off. i stepped out of the car...and an eery silence screamed and filled my ears. i am surrounded by people where i live. it's not like i can hop in the car and hit a corn field in 15 minutes.... i can hop in the car and not hit open space for hours. it's incredibly clausterphobic. this fog just gave me a feeling of aloneness. a feeling that is familiar... and it's familiarity brings me comfort. i'm not sure what to do if i don't feel this deep loneliness. can i be happy? can i be carefree? do i even have this capacity? i think i do. i am created with this capacity but it has not been trained in the ways some of my other capacities have been trained. can i train myself in joy? i think that i can. and i might try it out.