annoyance.

one thing which annoys me is when people can't decide for themselves what they think. their preferences or ideas are formed because of their relationships with others.

for example...when someone doesn't prefer to watch a particular tv show b/c they think it's silly. but, then someone else they /respect/want to relate to/have a thing for/ shows an interest in the show they become huge fans. wht's up w/ that? can't people make their own decisons...? or...they don't prefer this type of music, but will start to listen to it for the reasons listed above.

i know that in some capacity this is bound to happen. but, i think for some people they are such conglomerates of other people they do not have their own opinions. but...i guess...do any of us have an original thought/opinion? perhaps not.

i never want my character to be that moldable depending on who i am around. scary. and annoying to me.

mostly.

mostly i am just angry.

and yet, in an odd way i am emerging increasingly into 'myself' these past few months. whoever that is. i feel like the past few months i've developed closer friends then all the years of college combined. (not counting overseas friends). honestly... besides cassidy... i don't think i've developed any enduring, good, encouarging relationship with a girl in the past five years. that's not healthy...and causes incredibly difficult circumstances in life. for this...i am sad and full of regret. what i cannot regret is, because of this sin, the overwhelming illumination of God's beckoning me into a deeper reliance upon him. amazing.

who the heck am i? why do certain people have one perception of me, while another something entirely different? i think i am fun, gentle, inquistive, engaging, quick to laugh... if i perceive you think of me like this...then i will be that. but, if you think of me as shy, timid, quiet, a blob, then i will probably act like that. i just want to be free to be myself...and not ruled by others perceptions of me. that's why i must continually seek to view myself in God's eyes...and find my identity in God. that's important.

in the end...i remain angry.
and God's ok with that for now.

debra...dude, you're funny like him.

note that michael snorted in the first blooper. hilarious.

a video put out by the college group i was a part...
the prof, avalos, is a notorious dude on campus.
he debated william lane craig a few years back on campus...drew a large crowd.
i took an OT survey class from him....probably learned the most out of any class in my undergrad...(cept...perhaps russian 101...)
great teacher.
interesting man.
challenged my faith greatly.
fascinating story....
he wrote a recommendation for me when i applied to dts.
i like him.
he likes to make christians uncomfortable...and kids in college need their faith challenged. i am glad i took his class...although the first day of class was scary. he walks in w/ tinted glasses and proceeds to take attendence from memory. yes, he memorized everyones name. 'ms. pennington.' yes. i am fairly certain he has most of the Bible memorized. and especially the parts he thinks are contridictory. he likes to ask the christian kids in the class about them. i wonder...if his heart could ever be softened...

all of us.

i have spent the entire day at panera bread. (panera's...yes, like it's a persons place). A little bit ago this guy came in and set his bag down. opened it up and carefull set about 5 magazines in front of him on the table. they were arranged very carefully. then...for the next hour he proceeded to pick one of the magazines up and hold it about two inches from his face shaking it in excitement as he stared at the pictures. he held a little transister radio in one hand...and the magazine in the other. he gently swayed back and forth. i wonder if daniel will ever be that calm... will he be able to enter a public place and mind his own business? how could i have shown this guy i cared? what would Jesus do? do you think Jesus would heal people from these mental disorders? how crazy would that be!? i am drawn to those with mental disorders... there is an obvious distance that will exist w/n the relationship...b/c you can't talk about 'real' issues. but...maybe there is a greater depth in relationship. when i first started working with daniel...i realized how much i am like him. i just have the ability to change my understanding of the world to cope with it. but, he can't. he can't understand that to make friends he has to share. that while throwing things at other kids is fun for him, it will cause him to be alienated from the world. to some extent he is more real than me. he can't mask his depravity....b/c it consumes him.
we are all like that.
we are all capable of hurting people.
i believe each one of us is capable of what the man in va did...
we are all depraved to the core... and to deal that with that we either put on masks, or are freed from the bondage of evil through life in Christ. it's only through his power that anything of worth is accomplished.
i hope we can see that.
i know i am not personally involved in the shooting incident...so i am quite distanced from the situation/emotions....but, towards the shooter....i feel compassion. is this wrong? all i can think about is how lonely he must have felt. sitting at the cafeteria meal after meal alone. studying in his room night after night by himself. no outlet for his frustrations/emotions. i'm not condoning his activities...or saying they could have been stopped had someone extended an arm of love toward him....but... perhaps i am saying we shouldn't be too completely surprised at the event. especially if we believe in the depravity of man apart from Christ. we are all capable of this evil. each one of us.

i know God will be exalted in this situation... and many hurting people's hard hearts will be softened during this time. what a precious few weeks of openness.... pray that victims don't turn bitter....but, turn to freedom offered in Christ. it sounds trite.....but, may we believe this could be a reality...and get on our knees for our brothers and sisters laboring amongst those that are hurting... and that God would be exalted. i don't know...perhaps i had too much soda at panera's. but...thems my thoughts for the two people that read by blog.

falling.

falling onto the floor in a mess of tears.
i am tired of the lies and the 'fines.'
the sea of fear swallows me...will i emerge?
anger is desired, but tears remain the sole manifestation.
how small must the pieces become?

for later reference.

when i get home...my hope is to learn this song.
i posted about this song awhile back.
and how whenever i hear it.....i am taken back to the week i spent in ukraine last spring. sasha stole my mp3 player again and hooked it up to his little speakers he acquired somewhere along the way. he hadn't heard david crowder before...and continually played this song. we discussed about why crowder had written this song...(after watching the tsunami effects on tv). but this song sorta defined my time in ukraine....really the entire album. it's interesting how certain songs can transport you back to a time and place.... those emotions you felt rush back just as strong. it's odd how that happens. it's painful how that happens. i await the day i awake and there is no pain. but...perhaps that's the day i will not.

**i post this for future reference...for when i return to my guitar in a few short weeks**

me and luda....as we read shared our favorite Bible passages together in english/russian. swell. did you know the references in psalms don't match up in the russian/english bible? yah....america is probably right.

sasha! (luda and him having/had a kid...!?)

girl time... a sweet time of confession and prayer...

i'm still slightly upset parkview is a bum and not returning to ukraine...as i could totally have gone this summer as i am no longer a responsible member of the workforce. perhaps...i should still go........... but, i'll just go and visit debra soon. we can take a road trip from lviv to cherkassy....that'd be fantasmic.


can a group of people be referred to as a singular 'bum'?
oh well, who cares. i can still teach english overseas.

my future star...

why i'm really in la.

friendship.

i wonder if i have ever had a true friend.
i've probably blogged about this before.
and it's slightly odd given the fact i have people that read this blog that would attest otherwise. but, i do find it slightly odd my closest friends remain those whom i have gone overseas with. others have come and gone... some have completely ignored any type of communication i have offered to them. that hurts. i don't understand how people do that. perhaps i count on people too much. perhaps i want more out of friendship then others around me. why do those i have been overseas with...stick with me? while...others don't? perhaps it's because it's when i am overseas that i experience real and true community. the other times...people are just too involved in their own crap. perhaps i am just hurt...and therefore angry over lost friendships and somehow trying to justify them. but, perhaps lost relationships don't fit nicely into a compact little box which can explain the hurt. maybe i just feel it as a rejection of me....and that stings a bit. i probably shouldn't care...but, if i pretended it didn't hurt then my heart would begin to darken and harden. i'd rather feel deeply and cultivate a soft heart....even if it causes much pain...b/c feeling things deeply is a really great thing. you can feel pain, but you can also feel joy.
i am just thankful right now for my friends that have stuck with me. those distanced relationships. ben. johnson. debra. jen. billy. marta. lindsay. eric. kendra. rachel. i am probably forgetting a few.
what the heck was i doing in ames those years? not a lot emerged from those years...except perhaps my relationship w/ the guys at the office. even though i did completely mess up their payroll and caused them a lot of problems financially. that will be funny in a few years.

perhaps it's because when i am overseas...i don't feel like i have anything to prove. (that erects the question on what i have to prove in the states....). but, overseas i somehow feel more free. more myself. alive. do i just say that now b/c i am here? but....others have confirmed that in my life... is that a sinful reaction...or just a confirmation that perhaps my future lies in overseas work? at least people know me better in those circumstances...

-----

i am tired of talking about things. and people complaining to me about how the church is lacking in this area and that commandment in the new testament. get out and do something. live. i don't really want to be in full time ministry...b/c it seems so trite in many ways. go have coffee with this girl, have a bible study with these girls, check up on that girl.... check up for why? make sure they aren't sinning. b/c if they are that's really going to mess up the ministry....so fix it.

where is the reliance on the power offered to us through Jesus Christ? where do we pray for healing for others? where do we openly admit our faults? where do we discuss what God is doing in our lives? when did it all become so personalized? that we do 'personal retreats' and refrain from discussing our time. perhaps i have a wrong view...and it's something really personal like a honeymoon. yah...you can discuss where you went, but no one wants to hear/share the details. but, i don't think God's work in your life should be hidden or secret.

i crave deep community...where i am known and people know me. where people look out for the good of others to the point of suffering. where you feel a love that perhaps you haven't known in your family. have you ever felt true love...outside your family circle? it's powerful. let's love each other with that type of love. perhaps i question if i will ever find that type of community b/c of all the times i have felt burned by times i thought i had obtained these type of close relationships. but....i am praying that i will once again be able to open my heart up...perhaps only to be hurt again...but, it's worth it.

and...if you kept reading...congrats. i'm done now.

ps. please refrain from assuming you know what situations i am referring to within any of my blogs. i often speak in generalities...and am not addressing something specific...so, address me if you have questions. assuming isn't fair.

easter II.

on easter we went to the birth place of 'the purpose driven life.' so did the rest of la. check it out. people were standing outside to listen. there are like...5 other tents around the campus broadcasting the sermon via video. crazy...yes. but, the gospel went forth and is impacting people. i shall not condemn it.


um...abbie is cute.

easter break.

abbie didn't really enjoy the beach. i think she's slightly ocd...and doesn't like dirt on her hands. she'd wail whenever her feet touched the sand. it was quite hilarious. so me and jill made her walk on it. fantastic. after this we went and ate on the pier...milkshakes and hamburgers while the sunset. perfect.




i went back and visited my spacemen friends. i brought my family to meet them. good times. i think my sister is holding my guys hand...hmm...i think there is some unwritten rule about that...but, perhaps that rule doesn't fit for cardboard men.
so...are all black and white whales shamu? i think so. check out my pose on top of the snout of shamu. they asked for volunteers to take a ride and get thrown around by a gigantor whale. i won...and so got to put on a wetsuit and climb into the tank with shamu.

benefits.

i have thought this for some time...but recent circumstances have confirmed my presuppositions that long distance relationships are in some key ways easier than close distanced relationships. why...you ask? well...spectacular question although it seems quite self-evident to me.


--both continue to have their 'own life.' and...when they come together it's usually 'fun.' this is contrasted to when you see each other every day and must do 'mundane' things together....and within these tasks stife is stirred up because of tiredness, stress, etc., on one side. these issues don't arise as easily within long distance relationships...and if they do they can be avoided fairly easily. you can take time to work out problems on own before coming together to discuss them. the intensity of the situation isn't as high. plus, it's easier to not let things bug you over long distances...mostly b/c you don't see their annoying little antics through conversations on the phone.

--you get to know someone through words...you learn how to communicate well with that person verbally. you learn to work through difficulties, not by avoiding the problem, but by talking about it.

--the trust builds through time...and the heart begins to follow and thus it's easy to be ready to make some sort of commitment dispite the problems which may arise when living near/around each other. the 'hump' has been overcome. (this is within close relationships).

these are a few of my observations. these (besides the last) are applied to all long distance relationships. i am for long distance relationships...and always have been. my ideal is to know a guy well...and then begin a relationship over long distance. much easier than attempting to combine both lifes on the outset of the relationship.

i am still for arranged marriages.
i guess it depends on who is picking.

but, anywho...thems my thoughts.

you can disagree, but, i pretty much know i am right.

a deepness.

beyond borders remains one of my favorite movies from the past year.
grab it.
watch it.
listen to your heart.
it speaks to something deep.
perhaps i get caught up in the film...
with my desire to help hurting people...
with the dedication and self sacrifice of the characters in the film.
but we have something of greater worth to offer people.
better than food...medicine...and clothing.
a hope that will never fail.
yes, those other things are important.
but, how can i go on living the same way when people are hurting so much? they are literally dying.... only to face even greater agony.

oh...to offer people hope.
a hope that will not change with different political structures...

but, could i really offer any hope if i was in a situation depicted within the movie? or would i be a liability...? a hassle? i think that is my greatest fear.

pride.

pride is such an ugly thing.
what areas in my life am i blind to where pride is raging? dang. pride is hurtful to other people. it's basically telling others you are better than them. we would never do that outrightly with our words, "I think I am better than you." but our actions say it all the time! it's found in the way we respond to someone, what we deem is important in others and therefore worthy of admiration. we often don't want to ask other people about their lives...b/c, we want to talk about our owns. we're full of pride. we want to talk about ourselves.

my freshman year of college i struggled alot making new friends. my yp's wife gave me advice: "ask questions. People love talking about themeselves." so completely true! if the conversations lulls...ask a question. people can talk about themselves forever.

but...have you ever met someone that is secure within themeselves...so confident...they don't even have to talk about themselves? i'm not talking about those that lack self-confidence to talk about themselves...or those that dont' know how to communicate their feelings...but, i'm talking about those that don't need to advertise themselves. when asked a question...they will answer. but, it's with a gentle self-respect. not from pride.

i think these people gain their confidence from somewhere else. they possess a quiet quality that draws others in. others long to be with them b/c of their composure and lack of need to be affirmed.

do you see what i'm saying? ok...let's take girls as an example. some girls have fairly low self-confidence. they beg for attention or affirmation w/ statements like, 'i shouldn't eat this b/c i'm just so big.' (when they're obviously a stick and they just want someone to tell them it). or...'i am having an awful hair day...' again..the same ploy to get a friend to affirm that it's not true. trite examples, yes. but...just think if you confirmed their insecurity. 'yah...you probably shouldn't eat that... and sorry about that bad hair day.' they might get upset w/ you for AGREEING with them! that's absurd, isn't it?

so...we act in a similiar manner...but, we are blind to the ways we seek this attention. aren't we?

some people demand respect b/c of the position they hold, and others just receive respect b/c of the person they are. i want to be the latter. may my confidence stem, not from others, but from the one who created me.

show me the errors of my way...and the pride that so fills my pores.

to know. to be known.

if you have lived and loved at all.... think you will agree that these are the two basic needs of humans. i think, 'to be known,' should (or neccisarily) comes first. I feel like we need to feel known before we are empowered to know others. the ironic part is that...it's rare that we feel known. so, basically, we are all a bunch of people sitting around waiting to be known.

but, we are known. someone already knows us. he created us. dang it. may we accept his love. understand that love. be overwhelmed with that love. and take that energy we get from knowing we are known and invest in others who are hurting that don't understand they are already known.

i think being in a place where i knew absolutely no one.... has given me oppurtunity to explore many different avenues of thought in regards to knowing people...and getting to know people...and the need to be known.

i definately struggled w/ longing to revert and depend upon friendships already established back home...b/c those were safe. i felt known. so, i forced myself to rely upon relationship out here. it was neccesary to be fully invested out here.

who gets the chance to do this? i think it's quite a rare occurrence in our culture...and even within human history... to be able to move somewhere far away and not know anyone. especially as a young female. were we created for this? is it healthy? do i possess the strength to do such a thing? no...i think not. thus...a deeper dependence upon God is cultivated. i can't depend upon others that know me...b/c no one does out here.

so...basically...i could write a post on a bunch of different topics within this post...but, that's a little tap into my thoughts tonight...now i must go b/c the library is closing. i'm a nerd. yes. a nerd and a jerk.