mostly.

mostly i am just angry.

and yet, in an odd way i am emerging increasingly into 'myself' these past few months. whoever that is. i feel like the past few months i've developed closer friends then all the years of college combined. (not counting overseas friends). honestly... besides cassidy... i don't think i've developed any enduring, good, encouarging relationship with a girl in the past five years. that's not healthy...and causes incredibly difficult circumstances in life. for this...i am sad and full of regret. what i cannot regret is, because of this sin, the overwhelming illumination of God's beckoning me into a deeper reliance upon him. amazing.

who the heck am i? why do certain people have one perception of me, while another something entirely different? i think i am fun, gentle, inquistive, engaging, quick to laugh... if i perceive you think of me like this...then i will be that. but, if you think of me as shy, timid, quiet, a blob, then i will probably act like that. i just want to be free to be myself...and not ruled by others perceptions of me. that's why i must continually seek to view myself in God's eyes...and find my identity in God. that's important.

in the end...i remain angry.
and God's ok with that for now.