laugh.

laugh.
i got to take a trip to the doctor yesterday to make sure i had all the right shots...and get blood drawn and get drugs to take. you know what prompted this? a kid bit me. yah. hard. dang....he's got jaws of death. they clamp down and you can't get him to let go. at least i was wearing a jacket at the time. i don't think i'll ever wear short sleeves to work! maybe i should get that jacket frodo wore in Lord of the Rings. or...i could get an electric shock thing and every time he bites me i shock him. he's a spitter too.

it's quite funny. i don't know how the heck to discipline this kid. he's maniuplative. he needs severe discipline. he's just a spoiled little brat gone completely wrong. he's destructive and aggressive.

he's a smart kid. and it's hard b/c i think he's bored sometimes and that's why he acts the way he does. but, you ask him to do anything and he refuses or spits in your face. if you ask him to do ANYTHING. it's absurd. i never thought i kid could be THIS bad. seriously.

anyway...that' a bit of my job. more later...i'm sure. i'm busy now w/ unpacking...reading...writing. no blog time.

~lp

honesty.

can i be honest w/ you?

maybe i'm going to sound psychotic... and b/c i know a few people actually read my blog now...it scares me to write this down. but i can't get it out of my head. i need to say it.

i feel like my life isn't complete. i desparately long to share my life w/ someoone. today...i started work. and...i kept wanting to call up my ex-friend and talk w/ him about it. to tell him what this kid was like...and how it made me feel and the thoughts it provoked w/n me. i think he'd actually be interested in hearing this. yet...i can't. b/c it's this silly thing that i can't talk w/ him anymore...b/c...dang it...what if he begins to like me again? now...that would ruin everything. or..maybe i'm just living in a dream world. maybe he woudln't really care and i have an unheathly emotional tie to this particular guy. could possibly be true. but, i also just want to share...and talk....and to listen...and to love. that door and desire w/n me was opened...and now i long for it. i long for those type of relationships...or that particular one.

can't i have a second chance? we messed up before...but, God...please?

i'm pathetic.

more about my job later. it's really interesting....

studies.

i am taking two classes this next semester. one already started.

but i don't want to just add to my limited knowledge. i want the truth to transform me. i pray that would happen this semester. i want to take the mornings and devote them to my personal devotion...and for the later evenings to be for my actual studies. i know i will learn from my disciplined studies...but i also want to keep cultivating that soft spirit and interaction in prayer in the morning. so...keep me accountable. whoever reads this. i see that as long as i know that someone somewhere heard me say i am dedicated to this...it's much harder to back down.

my fear of God should drive me more than my fear of men...but, i see accountablity as much needed.

oh...clear my mind tonight Father...that i would exemplify you tomorrow. a new job...a new life...new people to shine your light to. oh...that i would be a representative for you tomorrow!

oh...that i would leave behind this heartache...and continue to open my heart to you.

thanks for loving me...thanks for caring more about my heart than the ministry around me. go deeper...dig into me Lord...point out the wrong ways my heart is...and how my words hurt those around me....may my words be reflective of you...and gentle and kind and patient...a spirit of patience and not one of pride.

twenty something.

it's a fun stage in life.
twenty something.

we are all searching for a bit of stability...but enjoying the freedom that lies within. we get involved in relationships and think our lives are headed in one direction...but, alas those relationships end and we find ourselves at the same place we were a few months prior. unstable...many options open...decisions to be made...

it's a fun stage in life.
twenty something.

but it's difficult as friends you once so closely aligned w/ begin to distance themselves. just..b/c of life circumstances. or...b/c they are in a relationship which is out of your reach. something special is captured b/t two people...and you're that third person. what a bummer. that's hard.

but, there is my selfishness tied up in that....i see it. but, i also just see a bit of mourning for growing up and loosing the specialness of certain relationships.

so...i do enjoy this time period in my life...but it's not void of heartache. it's true i don't have much responsibility...no family, kids, marriage...but the heartache and difficulties take a different form. perhaps how i deal w/ these heartaches and difficulties now will help me deal rightly w/ different circumstances in the future.

oh...help me God to walk through these times w/ humility...w/ Christ likeness....w/ a love for others and for you.

growing pains....always there but may look different.
thanks for maturing us...may i not back down from the hard things...but seek to obey and allow the spirit to work in my heart.

oh...awaken my heart for a deep deep love for others! for my friends and for those i have yet to interact w/.

home.

i drove home tonight.

usually i am excited to drive up over the hill and see the lights from the small city light up the night sky. but this evening i wasn't too excited.

what have i done? i am in control of my life...(to a certain extent). why did i just drive away from many people who care about me?? why? two great friends shared a meal w/ me tonight. two friends i know are a gift from God. seriously. they both were placed in my life at times when i was extremely broken...needing a good friend. why?

i long to belong and be wanted.

----

in a few ways...it feels right to be home. to sit at my desk and to look above my computer at pictures of faces which have impacted me greatly. there is big num...and lindsay on a bike in thailand. the whole semester thailand team and the leaders from canaan church taken the first weekend in pattaya. then there is the shadows of me and lindsay and jen on the beach in thailand. i have a ukrainian flag hanging to my left...and a huge map of ukraine w/ pins in all the different cities we have done camps. I have pictures taken in alaska during the summer of my junior year in highschool....mountains...sunsets...oceans...rivers...beautiful. God's creation.

I feel at home. like..i am finally in one place. around stuff that is 'mine.' am i materialistic? dang...there is something about having your own place. your own area. i am thankful for these times....when i can live out of my car for a month..and live alone in an apartment for 3 months...and to go out after work and not come home until late w/ no one to worry....to spend money on a new book and not have to explain it to anyone...to make my own dinner and not worry about pleasing anyone else. but...honestly, all of those things i don't like as well. i would rather have stability...i would rather go home and make dinner for someone...i would rather go home after work than avoid going home to an empty house.

thus continues my confusion...but, enjoyment of this stage in life. can that make sense? i am enjoying this time...i am. but, i also long for that stability.

i want to share my life w/ people...i want to exemplify the joy of CHrist in my life. God knows what i need...may i trust him...

i am tired...i am not making sense...can i write more later?

ministry.

i just reread what i had posted on last blogs. i don't remember writing some of that stuff. maybe i had a bit too much to drink one night. nah.... i think it was just super duper late and i was amazingly tired. i refused to go to sleep though...b/c i didn't want to get up and go to my last day of work.

last night was an another amazing night. after going to family group w/ my friend...i want to a sports bar w/ my co-workers. i loved it. i love them. seriously. i can't even explain it. they are just amazing. i think i might cry just thinking about it. they have become like family to me. i remain confident that i should move on. i know the new girl will do an excellent job. seriously. she's great at what she does. far better than i was. (granted...no one EVER trained me...i just felt my way around). but those are mere excuses. i honestly wasn't as gifted in those areas as she is. but, i'm ok w/ that. i like that i'm super laid back...and i enjoy who God made me to be.

i came home from work...and if i had more time..i would have cried. alot. but, i kept busy. and i didn't allow myself to sink into that desparate pit of despair. i'm in too good of mood for that! i feel like God has given me great joy in him.
i don't want to be in a melencholy mood. that sucks! seriously. i don't want to be too sensitive. i have realized by working closely w/ people that i am very much in control of how much i let things hurt me.

where do i find my confidence? in what others say of me? or in what God says of me? and what Christ has done for me? if i do my best..work to honor and obey God...and live my life for him...no one can ever say anything bad about me. if they do...they themselves are condemned. i need not be hurt by it. the problems of the world can lay heavy on my heart...but, i can quickly trust in God's sovereignity...and sit back and see his glory. i need not be overwhelmed and sad. so...joy should be mine.

complete my joy.

-------------

i don't want to go back to IC. i like my church family in ames. but, yet....i still feel unloved and lonely. why? when surrounded by so many that DO care for me? i want family... someone that cares for me for who i am...and sees and seeks for the good in me.

------------------

my heart is doing crazy things... keep it calm. may i trust in you. restore the joy of my salvation. may i keep in mind the important things in life.
thanks for listening. thanks for loving.

---------------------------

tears.

i was reading tonight. and thinking about leaving this town which has been my home for nearly 5 years. crazy. i feel like i'm leaving a good life. and...moving on to the unknown. it's true. i'm scared.

i was told tonight i'm leaving the prime child bearing age. dang. i wish i didn't know that. will i ever get married and have kids? do i want to? maybe not. seriously. maybe not. i want to have someone to share life w/...and i want to be known. but my God provides me w/ a full and abundant life. i don't need a marriage for this! that's such a complete lie!!!!!!!!! and i mean all of those '!!!'.

joy. in christ. all about the cross. may my life be centered on the cross. my i take my past sin and give you glory for the work you have done in my life. no shame! b/c i can look and see all that you have saved me from! and you are glorified b/c of that. any guilt/shame is ultimately selfish. you have given me life. you have done this work in my life. thank you jesus.

thank you for sitting down at the right hand of God the father....a symbol that the work is completed. it's a continuous sacrifice for sin in our lives. there is nothing i can do to get closer to God...jesus has paid the price.

thanks.

may i be overwhelmed w/ joy.





help me to trust you w/ my future. i am sad at the loss of a certain relationship...and a deep questioning of the future. my hope is in you Jesus...may i be secure in that. this is the security in my life! not in anything else.

thanks.

i am leaving finally. in a few days. tomorrow is my last day of work. officially. i may go in another day just b/c i don't know what to do w/ myself if i do not! seriously. that's pathetic but true. i don't want to get used to being lazy. i actually enjoy working and being productive. it's a good feeling. it's not a hot day of hard work...but, it's mental hard work. i don't think i could lay around all day and not exercise my mind. i am thankful for jobs/oppurtunities to exercise my mind. maybe i can learn how to spell someday. maybe.

tonight...i sat out on the porch. perfect weather. perfect night. w/ three people i have become close to in the last few months. ahh...how amazing. we drank some wine...smoked some cigars. a good night. and because i am leaving...they all said something they had learned from me and my life. that meant alot. really. i can't believe some of the things said. it touched my heart deeply. i know that anything good seen me is christ working in me. seriously. i'm not saying that b/c it's the right thing to say. but, b/c i know it's true. when i work w/ my own effort...it doesn't last. i can't persevere. but, i know Christ is working out stuff in my heart. none of us have arrived. none of us will. but, God continues to work out things in our lives.

thanks for that.

hmmm..

i've been hurt lately by friends. and... i think that it would be so easy for me to justify my hurt. that they havne't called...or responded to email. but, you know what? i want to stand up and and say "NO"! i am not going to be hurt by others! maybe there is something going on in their lives that prevents them from responding. maybe it's not something i did to offend them. maybe it's not me. maybe i should just pray for them and continue to love them even though i feel so desparately hurt by them. why do i feel hurt by them? it's not like we had a fantastic relationship before...but, i am still hurt they don't seem to want to even pursue me as a friend. yet...how i see them pursue other people as friends. am i not worth it? no, i am not. but, i want to be pursued and be desired. just as a friend. as someone that is wanted. but, emails that are left unresponded to leave me feeling unloved and cared for.

why do i get hung up on these unreturned communications...when, i have many other people in my life now that do show me love sacrifically? hmmm...i'm not sure. i just always want more.

i am not going to be hurt by these people....i am not. i want to love them...and care for them even though they may not seem to want/need that now. i don't need to allow myself to be hurt by them. it's not worth it! oh...keep my heart soft. may i love others deeply even when i get nothing in response. show me how to love others jesus...may i just continue to abide in you...and live my life wholly and completley for you.

joy.

restore to me the joy of my salvation.

why do we get drug down by silly things? oh...what silliness. how much joy we should take in life. how much God has graced us with? Life. Breath. Everything. We deserve death...separation...but, we are allowed life. and we are put through circumstances which seem difficult...but ultimately point us more towards God. Refines our lives and minds so we can understand God a bit more. I am thankful for the "difficult" times as of late.

i don't know what the next few months are goin to hold for me. i feel so great right now...but, i could easily begin to dislike my job immensely...feel overwhelmed w/ my workload....and...my joy will be lost. i could begin to feel like i am wasting my life and i will never ever get married and thus my life will be incomplete. what crap.

you know what? i am enjoying being single. did you hear that? i enjoy it. who else gets to sleep in a bit on a saturday morning...take a hot shower....go to a cafe and waste away hours reading and listneing to music? not many. single people. that's the answer. i want to have someone to love. and i just prayed that God would allow me to have someone to really love selflessly and to share my life w/ completely. but...i don't DESERVE that...or NEED that for joy. it's a definately a want. a desire. perhaps a God given desire, but it's not required. ya know?

so...these are my thoughts for the moment.

also, my thought is that i am done playing games. i don't really want to be in a relationship or play around w/ someone about being in a relationship! i want things to be straightforward. real. decide. commit. this is what i want. no games. i prayed for that too.

Oh...that God's will would be done in my life.

peace.joy.love...all in Christ.

headaches in the morning.

today is the first day i didn't get up right after my alarm rang. i stayed up too late. i didn't want to go to bed...but i didn't want to get up in the morning.

i'm thinking of ukraine. wondering why i'm speculative about being used as an american. do their words mean anything? do i believe whatever anyone says? i think i have this fear of being tricked. i never believe what people say.... seriously. i always look behind and try to see their motive. i totally did this w/ my past serious relationship. it's true. he told me one thing...and i didn't believe him. he told me he liked me and wanted to pursue me. but, i didn't believe him for a long time. but, you know what? i began to believe him and what he said...and i got hurt. a lot. but, you knwo what i think as i type this? i think it's ok to get hurt....really. i'd rather be the one who gets hurt...then the one who sits leaning backwards with a negative attitude. i think there would be so much more joy in my life if i did this.

the ukraine church wrote this letter to the american team from my home church. i know this ukrainian church and the leaders well. but, as i read the email which praised the american church...i coudln't help but feel they were just buttering them up so they would return the next summer. but...then a little bit inside of me said...'didn't the churches want paul to return?" oh...of course they did! but that didn't make them super dependent upon paul. and...if it did God by his spirit stopped paul from going there. God is in this..it's not just if parkview decideds to grace cherkassy w/ their presence again.

dang. make me have a stronger faith in you father. may i believe what people tell me...and stop trying to read into things. may i just take it for what they say it is. if i find out later it's different...so be it!

break-ups. rejects. replacements.

does this blog seem to have a negative undertone? hmm...maybe it's b/c whenever i feel in the mood to write...it's when i'm feeling a bit down. such is the case now. would you like to hear why? of course. you don't have a choice. and sense two people i know of read this....it doesn't really matter.

today at work..they interviewed someone new for my position. i am leaving. yes. the decision was made awhile back. i seemed fine w/ the decision although it was difficult to come to. but...when this girl came in...i felt like i was being replaced. (i am). i didn't want the attorneys to like her better than me. i didn't want her to do a better job than me. i felt inferior...and a reject. i felt like i had been dumped...and my ex was now dating someone. it felt crappy. i didn't like the feeling at all. i felt sad and wanted to cry.

i walked out of the office....holding back tears. b/c...all i wanted to do was to go to a friend and cry and be held and comforted. to have a safe place i could cry and be heard and understood. but...i dont' have that place. it makes me feel even more lonely. but...i definately have more of a place of belonging than alot of other people in the world! why am i such a whiner? seriously. i am a whiner.

this weekend at church they spoke at on psalm 23. i cried alot at the end as they sang, 'i will not be afraid...i will trust in you...' as i realized how much i could trust God. but...how much trusting him scares me alot. i want to be in control of my future. but, i am not. i thought i had a plan for my life...but...alas i do not! i don't know what i'll be doing in four months (yet again). it's the story of my life. i go in 6 month cycles it seems. but, i don't need to be afraid. i can trust my father. nothing i do is out of his sovereignity. NOTHING.

Father..help me to trust in you. to just lay my heart and desires at your feet...and let you shape and modld them. i often feel as if i am not doing what brings you the most glory...and me the most joy. i long to find something to pour my life into. i felt this when i was overseas...but, not here. i want to find that place and pour my heart and life into it. show me what that is! help me seek out ways to equip myself for what you would have for me in the future! i want to be used by you! not to earn your love anymore...for i know you love me now and i lack nothing...but b/c you deserve it. i want others to know you. help me find a way to just really pour out my life and heart to your children....to be used by you. it excites me to think that this could exist somewhere. but makes my heart sick to think this longing will never be fullfilled.

i do long to have this fulfilled w/ other people in my life. i long to share my life closely w/ another...who understands me and loves me...but more so loves and cherishes you. oh...Father...i trust that you will provide and i will not be afraid.

awkaen my heart. i don't want to settle. i think that is my biggest fear.