one more thing.

i think i might sound cooler in writing then in real life.
you may be disappointed if you were to actually meet me.
trust me.
it's true.
i'm not THIS cool.
i'm more lost. more confused.stumble over my words more.am often left speechless.

....
you ever just feel full of love and over flowing?
i feel like that tonight towards all the people i work w/.
mostly older men. is that werid? maybe. but, i respect, admire, and care for each one of them in a unique way. Love is awesome. i love my boss. i'm werid.

negative.

also.

i want to stop the negative attitude i've seen so much in my life. i'm finished w/ it. w/ the help of Jesus of course. i need to be reminded when it emerges. it's so sly sometimes.

it often robs me of joy in Christ. joy of what God is doing in the whole world. often this year someone would say something they saw God do...and i'd be like, 'yah right...you just are crying out for attention...you don't even really have a passion for Jesus...if you did your life would look like this.' how much crap is that?

a whole heap of sin. it smells terrible. and, it hurt me.... and robbed God of glory...which hurts the body of Christ. so...forgive me. i want to be done w/ that negativity. i want to respond in joy for all that i hear you doing in the world Father. for that to be my first response....

overwhelm me w/ you.

may i walk in freedom and joy.

i long for that....alot.

(that is why being done w/ job...and having freedom of school/part time job/flexibilty/ sounds so appealing!) maybe i'm just lazy. hmm. good thought. it's true. i'm lazy.

time.

what shall i write? what will come out tonight? as i sit down...i'm not sure.

my heart is a bit heavy...a bit confused.

but...at the same time i feel light and really excited and happy as i lean towards the future. i can do anything... really. i feel so much freedom to pursue what God would have for me. it's so appealing.... if only i knew what was appealing to me! so much of what i have learned... has come through experience. not in a classroom setting. maybe...i'm hiding in the classroom. afraid to come out into the real world! really?

the idea of doing distant education super appeals to me..as i think about living at home surrounded by people that love me...and studying things i love...and having the chance to be involved strategically in the kingdom. thinking about moving to an entirely new place...and trying to find a place to work, a community to interact w/, and people to invest in...seems overwhelming! i don't want to move into a christian bubble! i want to be active in the world...w/ people....

(so...i guess i'm not hiding in the classroom, am i?) that thought just rushed through my heart as i was typing.


part of me... doesn't want to move far from family. what if something drastic happens? i feel something terrible hasn't happened in our family for awhile. so...something is bound to happen soon. like...my grandparents going up to worship their lover forever... or my mom's cancer coming back... or abbie to have some incurable disease that disables her for life. something. something is going to happen and i'll be the jerk family member living far away.

perhaps i feel selfish for moving away....

am i still pushing to go b/c of some desire for something to work out w/ josh?

no...i think i can say...no. in honesty. (is that why i am rethinking of going?...cuz i lost hope). maybe. i am just thinking.... that God wants us to be healthy in ALL aspects of our life. and...being connected w/ others is huge. and..i'm connected here. (i've been told i'm not)...but, really....i am. if i spend time and interact...i connect w/ people. if i take time and invest...i can.

so...it is w/ people i've been on teams w/ in ukraine. (the whole summer or just a few weeks)... or girl i have a REAL chat w/. i just connect deeply w/ people if i allow. and...i feel like i maintain many of those friendships. heck...i'm going to see my best friend tomorrow...whom i haven't seen in person for 7 months. and....then another great friend (whom i've only probably spent 20 days with in all of my life)....i am goin to spend the weekend w/.

i dunno.

i do like people.
i do like to have fun.
i do like my family.
i am confused.
i do get frustrated.

all i know is...
i like just living right now...and not really thinking about the future. but...knowing that this stage is temporary. that good stuff lies ahead. my hope is in that. pushing papers around isn't my life. it's not what i will be doing in two months. this is only temporary.

isn't that how we should view all of life? that....this isn't what we're living for. it's just temporary. our hope is in what is to come. even though...we don't know what the heck that will be. whatever it is...it will be sweet. our home is in heaven. not on this earth. it's only a shadow of what is to come. amen...come lord jesus come!

one's just a shorter timeline. lifetime vs. a year.

hmm.....

real.
deep.
authentic.
community.
committment.

buzzwords for this year.

strategic was the buzz word for the year of 2004. i used to puke when i heard that word. now it's just a small gag. hopefully....i won't grow to detest the other words as much.

these....are my thoughts. this is what came out today....the 27th of june...2006.

games. fans. people. beer.

so...someone actually read my blog. and then...commented. can you believe it? i can't. i debated on telling anyone i know that i actually have a blog. a few people i know think it's silly. others don't have a clue what a blog is. i figured...i can't just go around reading other peoples blogs. i must have my own.

now...i find myself going through life...and then thinking, 'i could write about this.' and...it's a good feeling. i think i like to write. it's nice to have an idea...and then think about ways to explain and portray it to other people. how can i explain this feeling i have? this frustration in my heart? will others even care? i usually think not...so i don't share it verbally...and come home and type away to an unknown and (until now) an unexistent audience.

but...i'm ok if no one reads. it's just good to process things.

i went to a baseball game tonight. it was actually quite fun. people everywhere. $6 beer. $7 nachos. but...the bathroom usage is free! spectacular.

It was amazing to sit inside this metrodome...and to see thousands of people.... all watching the same game. little groups (families) all interacting. some of them laughing...and then others (like the three sitting in front of me)...sitting through the entire game not interacting at all! i don't think they talked w/ each other the entire evening. the older woman sat and read her book...the older man sat in one position and sometimes nodded his head at a good play...and the younger boy sat and sometimes half-heartedly clapped at fitting times.

why are some people fun? and others not? were the peopel in front of me having fun? as fun as the people next to me who spent the entire game laughing and shouting and partcipating in the wave? hmmm. do some people just show their 'fun' in different ways? were the people beside me laughing more satisfied w/ their life than those in front of me? do we need relationships to be joyful?

i think we all need to be loved. i think love is what pulls us out of ourselves...and gives us energy throughout the day.

i know this...b/c i think i lacked energy for awhile as my heart was quite broken. i lost interest in taking care of my apt...and let dishes pile up in the sink and books lay around the floor and clothes pile up in the closet. mostly b/c...i didn't want to take the energy to organize and be clean.

i dunno. somehow this all connects...but i am having a difficult time doing it. i am totally just rambling now.

my main thought of today has been....how much God is about our whole lives being healthy. not just parts. he has given us family to love us and to love. let's not disengage from them. let's love others and see others as God would have us.

this makes me question my decision to move a long long way from any close family/friends to go to school. am i just plain silly? or will a move be good for me? am i running away? i cannot run away from the turmoil inside me.

this is why i ask God to keep my heart soft...to quietly direct my thoughts in healthy and true ways. i want to have utter dependence on the creator of my soul....and to make decisions which will be good for my heart and growth in truth and love. (will not being around those who care for me be a drain to my soul?) i spent the evening w/ my aunt, uncle, mother, father, sister, brother-in-law, niece.....all who love me dearly. my sister paid for the baseball game, my dad for my dinner and ice-cream treat afterwards. they drove me around... they purused me asking questions. next year....will i just be at home longing for someone to love me? i won't be able to hop in the car and drive 45 minutes to see my sister. or drive 2 hours to see my parents. or walk somewhere to visit a friend. will i regret moving away from family?

maybe i will. am i unsettled b/c this is the wrong decision? or...b/c i am scared of change? or...b/c i'm just plain scared?

hmm... these are my thoughts for today. i must go read and dive into some truth..

last thought....perhaps moving away will be difficult...but--it's not for life. it could be an investment for the future. ?? i think this is what keeps me moving forward towards leaving for a short time (2 years). it's not a life move.

um...honestly...i just want to have someone love me for who i am... thank you Jesus...for loving and showing yourself to me. Jesus...lover of my soul.

run.

i got this unsettled feeling tonight. i needed to get away. so i put on clothes i rarely go out of the house in...shorts and a tank top....and went running.

i drove to campus...for i didn't want anyone to actually know i was running....and cranked on some good tunes and ran.

i ran past buildings i had class in. i remember walking to class and hoping no one would actually notice me. i would get to class late and slip in the back so as to not have that awkward forced moment of interacting w/ someone. how i changed somewhere in the middle of my college years. how God changed me.

i ran out to fredrickson court. i remembered walking to class w/ friends i no longer talk w/. i saw the horses and felt like a little girl as i tried to get them to notice me. one finally noticed me and instead of letting me rub it's velvety nose.....it turned around and started rubbing it's butt on the fence. it was funny at first...and then i felt awkward for some reason. it was funny for a short time...and then it just kept pushing it's huge rump towards me... and then it was odd and a bit disturbing. so i continued on my run. i hardly ran...it was more like...ran for a few minutes and then walked. i thought my heart might stop beating or i'd faint and no one would find me until morning....so i stopped. that's one bad thing about living alone. no one would know you're dead/missing for awhile. good thing i work every morning at 8.

i decided that all of last year was a dream. it feels completely surreal. it may be my way of escaping the pain...but i'm ok w/ that. i think you can learn from dreams... i know you can. i've been praying that people in muslim saturated places of the world would have visions from Heaven...of reality and truth. that God would reveal himself in this way to those that he has called. i read an article online tonight about a guy who became a believer in part b/c of a vision he had. (not the only reason--but a leading factor). i prayed for visions for myself tonight. that i would really have a sincere and deep knowledge/fear of the Lord.

when i was a girl...i had this distinct feeling that God was goin to use me in some special/unique way. i think i was scared...so, i let sin creep into my life kinda saying, 'ha....now you CAN"T use me'. but...that's crap. i want that childlike faith back. that trust that God is going to use/work through me. i'm regretful for choices made in the past that have harmed and pulled me away from the truth. i despartely want innocence, and a sincere and deep love and faith back.

hmm...i has many more thoughts...but more later.

hmm. Love. it's powerful. It really and truely is. it gives us energy.

thank you for loving me jesus. may i be overwhelmed w/ that.

you're amazing.

i stand amazed at you.

do you ever wonder why we do what we do? what is driving all of us to go to work...and be away from those we really love...and strive and labor to push papers around...and come home stressed out....treat the ones we love in the ways we don't want...and then we go to bed only to get up tired and do the same thing.

do you ever wish you lived a long time ago. lived at home w/ family that you loved. worked together. hard work = food. milking the cows. bringing home food. cooking. hard work was satisfying. now...hard work is...just not. what do you have to show for hard work? a pile of papers moved from here to there....a wad of cash in the pocked to be spent only on ourselves.

not that...milk directly from a cow is so satisfying. but...i dunno.

i think it's just odd that family has lost its place in our society. it's like we're all in such a hurry. but...for what????

we all are lonely....and why?

i am not sure.

revival.

could we see a revival in our lifetimes?

i mean...a huge revival?

confession. this is what we need. confession of sins in our life. repentence. to be honest w/ each other, ourselves and God. what order is the most difficult? others? ourselves? God? i think...being honest w/ ourselves is the most difficult step. b/c...once you own up to stuff you are more able to sahre w/ others and God. cuz...i think i often live in a false reality. not knowing what is real and what is not.

God, please revive us.... invigorate our souls to live passionately for your name and renown so that we may rejoice fully in you. may this desire ring true in the lives of all your children. that we would not be content w/ life now...as it is. but, we would strive and be unsettled in our hearts as we seek and long after you to move in supernatural ways. in our lives. in our country. in our world. move in your people.

oh...how i wouldn't compromise... that i woudln't go along w/ what everyone else is doing b/c it's the easy way. but, i would stand firm in truth. and that truth would be rooted in you Father. not in me thinking i'm better than others. but, by you..and you revelation to me as to who you are. oh...that i would fall on my feet before you! please father. i trust you. take care of me. love me. show me how love is your nature. how it's impossible for you to not love.

why do these things sound so far away and distant? i want them to be real. i don't know what this looks like tangibly. that's why it will be you working it out. i won't know what it looks like...but, i will know it when you move. may i give you the glory. take the glory. it's all b/c of you...all in you. i love you.

onwards.

he left today...no more will i see him in this place in the world. i think never again will we be in this city together. we won't ever go and watch the sunrise at the park as we once had discussed. i'll never stay up until the wee hours at the lab with him. we won't ever walk through campus together again....looking at the old buildings and talking about past classes which sucked the life out of us. we won't walk around campus town and talk about all the people we see and the bars we pass. we won't ever run into each other randomly at the coffee shop. i won't go to a certain place hoping he is there...b/c he won't be. i know he won't be. there is a bit of freedom in this...as i had begun to avoid people and places he might be around. now i am free...but, there is a sadness that hangs around me as well.

many good memories. seeing him as i enter the church on a thursday evening. as he catches my eye in the middle of a conversation he is having w/ some guy.

why was i so insecure? why did i wonder if he wanted to sit by me? why did i not share with him the frustrations in my heart? why did i expect him to know? why did i blame everything on him and not make any changes within my own life? why? what was i thinking? was all this year just to learn....? i am going to struggle with these things within any relationship! i want someone to desire to work through thinsg w/ me....that won't just give up on me and think they need something better. love covers a multitude of sin.... what's the balance b/t personality differences and...just plain selfishness? am i blaming him again?

i don't mean to. i see how powerful forgiveness is. i have forgiven him. i do not want to hold all the ways he has hurt me against him. i want the same from him. i just see how much God is my support and he is the one who sees all and knows all. if i was wronged....(and josh needs to know)...it will be revealed to him. i trust God....for this is what i am praying for. but, i want the same for me. i want to see the areas i lacked and could have grown in.

am i becoming too involved in this? does anyone even care about my thoughts? i think not. that's why i can write so openly. it's so completely freeing.

i don't want to loose my passion for Christ. i want to continue to seek and to know and to live my life for him in strategic and great ways.

i informed my boss i am not working for him come august. i felt bad. i think tim is best boss one could ever have. seriously. i love working there.... i am fairly laid back...and i know the guys reall appreciate that about me. i'm really extremely laid back....and never get uptight about anything. sometimes i was worried i wasn't the best at the job b/c of that...but, they told me they really liked that about me.

i don't know. i just...wanted to mark down what i'm thinking tonight as the plane travels across the ocean to a place which will definately give him new insights and thoughts. i pray this time will be a real soul searching and healing time for him as things come full circle for him. i want him to find joy in you God. that is my prayer and hope. i want health. i want him to expereince full joy in you alone Jesus.

jv...i want to come.

decisions.

i'm at a turning point in my life. a fork in the road if you will. if i decide this....it could go one way. if i decide something else...a completely different direction.

but...this is all on the outside. for....when it comes down to it...only the heart matters. and...God will continue the work he began in me...no matter where i am at and what i am doing. now...i will strive to place myself in places and positions to best serve him w/ the skills and gifts he has given me. but, that might not be one specific place w/ one specific task.... i think God will use whatever i choose in my life to grow me in certain ways. now...it's my decision what that looks like.

am i wrong in thinking this? what do you think on this matter? i am not sure....hmm.

hard

i don't understand it.
i feel like it's really hard.
but, i know it's being obedient.
give me the strength to follow you Jesus.

i must not make decisions based upon what i desire.

the most important thing is knowing you. you're not out to get me...but desire me to experience freedom and to be myself. though...i think it's with a certain person...perhaps it's not. i need to trust you. please...help me to seek you and you alone. b/c you deserve the glory. b/c you are my creator...and there is no other.

how my heart aches. and how i want to blame. and how i want to crawl into a hole and cry. but, at the same time a relief of freedom has overcome me. i am tired of analyzing...and just need to allow you to heal my heart...

thanks for listening. thanks for loving and being faithful.

music.

music is fantastic.
i sit in my living room now...just listening. a part of me wants to turn on the tv and sink into feeling nothing. but, no. this music is soothing to my soul.

today i saw the man who has caused my heart so much pain. what caused me more pain today was to see the hurt in his eyes...but not to know why. i want to know. i want to know what's going on inside his mind. it hurts i can't. but you know what? it would hurt if i could. basically....no matter what i will be left hurting. i am left w/ speculations.... i hope everyone in his family is ok.

i also wonder if i did something to upset him. it really sucks not knowing. but...i can pray. i can pray for his heart to be healed. i sense a lot of hurting... i want him to believe truth. to find joy. to not beat himself up. but, to experience freedom and joy in that man God has made him to be.

i realized today... as hard as it is to say... i didn't want to be w/ him. he's in too much pain. not enough room for anyone else right now except his own pain. he's so kind...but, can say cutting remarks which hurt me so deeply and he hardly knows he has done it! and...i am so slow to pick up on the hurt he is causing me until later.

relationships are all about committment. and...i realized that he wasn't wanting to commit to me. for whatever reason. he thinks we didn't connect. blames it on personality. i say....it was b/c we were both selfish, immature, and living unlike the creator intended. i was desiring him to fulfill a part of me only God can. i desired a deep relationship...but, couldn't obtain.

i desire God so much. i desire freedom. i need him for strength. my dependence is solely upon him. for life. for breath. for joy.

i want to have a family. i want to have someone to share my life w/. it would make all so much more enjoyable. but, that's not ultimately what casues happiness! that's found in Christ.

also...at this point in my life i can have relationship w/ so many people who can love me and care for me w/o inhabitions! isn't that spectacular? i think so. guys...girls.


in your courts you find me in worship at your feet.
hide me now in the shadow of your wings.
where i will be.......home.
home is heaven and one day lord i will live in your courts.

some lyrics from hillsong. our home is in heaven. not on this earth.

how are we living? as in God's kingdom? or this world?

finished.

it's official.
i am finished.
finished feeling sorry for myself.
finished having the loss of this relationship destroy my joy and freedom.
finished w/ analyzing and trying to understand the impossible.

it's true... i'll admit ....i think i'm lonely.

i never really knew what lonliness was before. but, then i experienced real and authentic relationship...and a friendship. someone who cared about me....and took time for me...and wanted to know me. now...it's gone. and, i miss having that...but that's ok. it's ok to miss it...it's a loss. but, it's not ok to stay in this place.

i don't want to settle for anything less than what God has for me. it sounds cliche...but, i mean this. i know it'd be easy to fill this lonely feeling w/ not so good things. but, the thing which is going to fill me up--and what i want to fill me up--is a joy from God.

knowing God is eternal. that is what matters in this life. not happiness. i want to know God better...and whatever path i have to go down to know him better...i'm willing. it's easy for me to think i'm being punished... and if i only learned my 'lessons' quicker i wouldn't have so much turmoil in my heart. stupid lies.

i have no idea what i'm doing in my life. it's so uncertain once again. while...just a few months ago i thought things were finally getting figured out. but...in all honesty...i like the excitement of not knowing what is going to happen. sometimes the idea of being a wife, a mom....just drained me. i don't want to ever become ok w/ the american dream lifestyle. so much more is going on in the world.... i want to be a part of this. i want to bring justice in the ways possible....and to point others to God b/c of the situation they find themselves in.

have you seen the movie 'beyond borders'? you should.

check out www.ijm.org. this is what i want to do now....to use the few years i have on this earth for a purpose.

maturation.

maturity.

mature in some ways....childish in others.

i'm not meant to live a life full of frustration.

if we just learned to care and love each other...wouldn't that be enough? love covers a multitude of sins. and....love is a choice. just...really....think about it.

i don't get it.
i lost it again tonight.

hm.

sometimes i just want to drown out all the thoughts going through my head. sometimes i want to write them all down. i just want someone to understand me and to know me fully....and love me just the same. i want to be done w/attmpeting to impress people.

i need to take other peoples advice w/ a grain of salt. they don't know my heart.

what the heck.

does anyone get me?

i compromise.

is life always suppose to be hard? can we choose what we want?