insane

sometimes i think i'm going insane. it's true.

like...last night. i had spent a fair amount of time getting ready for a wedding. i had known about this wedding weeks ago. i had always planned to go. but...as i was walking from my bedroom to the front door...i began to cry.

i didn't want to go alone. overwhelming feelings of hopelessness inflitrated my head. feelings of betrayal as a friend didn't return phone calls. we had planned two weeks ago to get ready together and then go together. but.....calls left unreturned. it hurt. i have no friends. no one to listen to me. no one to care about me. no one to go to the store and buy me medicine. sure...people would do it if i asked. but...i don't think they care about me in a deep way.

how can i have that? and learn to get used to it? and then have it yanked away?

i hate this. my heart hurts so bad.

sometimes i think i'm doing ok, but....then i just start crying and i can't stop.

what's true?

why do i end up carrying all the stupid hurt around? i'm tired of doing that! i want and need someone that is interested in me...and who i am. not someone who frustrates me b/c i'm not someone different.

it was just so safe before. and now it's all up in the air again.
keep my heart broken. i want to respond in right ways. i need your help Father to do this....cuz i can't on my own.

zoos....fams....God....

how fickel am i? how unable am i to control my emotions. again tonight...i felt this extreme...hopelessness...sadness.....lonliness. i cannot control it. i don't know where it comes from.

today i went to the zoo w/ my family. my mom and dad. my sister and her husband and their baby. i just felt....this longing for something more! i want my own family! i want someone to love me and cherish me! i see all these families at the zoo...and i want to have my own. i am just emerging from this period in life where i thought everything not fully cenetered on Christ was a waste of time. if one wasn't sharing the gospel....it was a waste. if one wasn't fully immersed in knowing God...(which was shown through conversations held, their actions, the way money was spent, etc...). w/ this thinking...i honestly believe i would have had a difficult time spending money on gas to travel two hours to the zoo...and then another 50 bucks for the whole family to get in...plus the 20 bucks to feed the five people at the crowded concession stand. that money could have definately spent more purposefully. but....could it have been?

as i have said....i'm emerging from this thinking. i don't think it's fully correct. ...growing out of this sort of thinking is really freeing. but...it's also scary to me. am i loosing my sense of...urgency? my focus? or...am i just gaining a better persepective? a more full out look on life? is this a part of the maturing process? being mature in life...in God...? or...am i giving in more to the flesh...and what i desire? instead of the....hard and driven life...?

hmm...so i could go two ways here. for the hard and driven life of 'self-sacrifice' leads one to this feeling of self gain... as if WE earn our way to maturity somehow. we earn knowing God. it's self-righteous...and that is most definately wrong. but...you can't fall off on the other side either. of...not doing ANYTHING....and coasting through life. i lay awake in bed one night last week and realized i did not want to do what i knew i should do. that...it would be so much easier to give in to my flesh...and to then later ask forgiveness. but that's not the life God wants us to live! that's not experiencing true freedom and joy in Christ! that's living a life in bondage to sin....! ....the Christian life isn't easy...the decisions are hard...the path is narrow. how quickly we forget and want to take the easy path.

where's the balance? are you following me here? a part of me wants to give in and enjoy this life...and to have a family and to take them to the zoo and to teach my kids about all the awesome things God has created and get lost in the wonder of all the different things God has created and the ecosystems in which they live...but.... can i do that and maintain a discipline in knowing God and a passion for others to know him?

i don't want to get lost in my own family...my own life...my own pain. on one of the many excursions to the bathroom at the zoo i saw an older woman who was obviously the janitor. everyone passed by her on the way to the stall as she continued to diligently clean and throw trash away, etc....and then wait until a stall was cleared so she could go in and clean it. so...now...how the heck humbling is that job? (it is...for me at least...cuz i used to clean bathrooms and i never wanted anyone to be in there when i did it!). and...while was in the stall i kept thinking of how i should say something to her. that i should tell her that the bathroom looked magnificant...and ask her how she was doing...and just love her in any way i could. but...you know what i did? i ignored her just like everyone else! i just...left the stall...walked past her...stared at myself in the mirror as i washed my hands...and left. i hardly made eye contact w/ her....even though i had every intention to the second i saw her when i entered the bathroom. why didn't i? i got scared. of an old woman janitor. i didn't want others around me to think i was odd for talking to the janitor. i didn't know what to say. what if she didn't respond? or...worse...what if she did respond and i actually had to talk w/ her!!!

the whole time at the zoo...it was like...thousands of mini groups walking around...no one ever interacting w/ anyone else. do you ever think this is odd??? like...standing in line...a conversation is rarely started up w/ those around you...unless it's to complain about something that's making the line move slow. where's the love?

aren't we suppose to love our neighbor as ourself? crap...i fail at this alot.

i guess i learned a lot today at the zoo...cuz i have more thoughts...but i think you're bored. and i have a headache...so i'm going to stop writing. but...more to come. it's good to process....even if no one ever reads it....



we know that it's through Christ alone! It's

my thoughts.

love.
joy.
do i have these in my life?
i was driving today...to my sisters. i just realized how full of joy i am...for my life. i am thankful that God has given this life to me. i find my peace in Him alone. i am through w/ being frustrated and upset and discouraged. how gross! i want joy in you father! to be rid of sin and unhealthiness. thank you for showering grace upon me. thank you for loving me. you are such an awesome God. may i just know you more and more.